


Looking Glass

by cocomoraine



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Drama, Eventual Romance, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, character introspection, unbeta'ed because I don't want to be a bother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-06-24 03:43:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19715545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocomoraine/pseuds/cocomoraine
Summary: Is Boris Shcherbina in love with Valery Legasov? 5 people decided.





	1. "Then I'll do it myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I am always interested in how other people view the transformation of the relationship between Valery and Boris. As always, this turned from a sort of character study, into telling the story of Valoris, from another set of eyes. sksksks.
> 
> 2\. Again, all lines and script information are owned by overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended. 
> 
> 3\. This work concerns the HBO depictions and characters. No disrespect is intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 4\. Still unbeta'ed. I truly don't want to be a bother. All mistakes are mine alone.
> 
> Here y'all go!

1\. Vladimir Pikalov

The circumstances as to why the Deputy Chairman has to go to Chernobyl is indeed dire, and more than what Brukhanov and Fomin insist there is. Armies and police are all over, trying to make sense of what is going on, all they knew is that one of the reactors exploded, and things are going to get worse from there.

At least that is what Pikalov has learned from the brief he was given before being shipped off to Chernobyl.

The Deputy Chairman will not be going here if things were _fine._

***

Watching Bryukhanov and Fomin sweeten their way up to the Chairman was nauseating to watch. He stood as the two tried to discredit Legasov, then get scolded in a professional way by Shcherbina.

The two already seems to have formed some sort of bond, as Pikalov only know, the two were together in the ride to Chernobyl.

"I understand. You think Legasov is wrong. So, how shall we prove it?"

Pikalov then felt Legasov's eyes on him. He briefly met the eyes of the professor, and seen nothing but the implication, and the eyes of a man who is terrified yet determined to help. He knows that look. He has seen it in the eyes of men on the battlefield.

Pikalov used to have those eyes.

Now, he is not sure if he can be that determined to fight an enemy his eyes cannot discern.

"Our high-range dosimeter just arrived. We could cover one of our trucks with lead shielding, mount the dosimeter on the front..."

Legasov turned to him, the same fear and determination in his eyes.

He didn't miss the subtle nod of exchange between Shcherbina and Legasov.

"Have one of your men drive as close to the fire as he can, and give him every bit of protection you have. But understand-- even with the lead shielding-- it may not be enough."

Pikalov knows what he has to do.

"Then I'll do it myself."

***

Pikalov approached Legasov after his heated argument with Shcherbina. They look like a couple arguing about something inane as where to go eat. But they are arguing about something important, a clash of power and intellect, in this radiation laden battlefield.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get you five thousand tons of sand and boron!"

_A couple._

Pikalov slowly approached Legasov. "There is a hotel."

***

Pikalov knows the sacrifice of the three men going into the water. Shcherbina may have talked them into this for the State and all, but this mission, is suicide. Nevertheless, it must be done, to prevent another, a much more catastrophic explosion who could've spelled out as an apocalypse.

He held his breath when the door shut behind the three men. He released it when the banging from the other side came.

Shcherbina smiled at Legasov, _small steps._

Legasov didn't return the smile. His eyes remained clouded, downcast.

Pikalov knows. The work is far from done.

***

Despite the success of the three divers, Legasov and Shcherbina still found themselves at odds at every possible moment. They do have to realize that the operation will go on more smoothly and has higher chances of giving off positive results when they learn to work with one another.

Apparently, apparatchiks and scientists did live on the opposite sides of the spectrum.

Legasov is clearly agitated. "Well someone decided the evacuation zone should be thirty kilometers, when we know-- Here! Caesium-137 in Gomel District. Two HUNDRED kilometers away!"

Pikalov never felt more uncomfortable in his life. He wanted to interrupt the blossoming confrontation, but clearly, he does not want to get in the middle of this.

A verbal spar between Legasov and Shcherbina may be a sight to behold, but not pretty when you're in the middle of it.

He was always stuck in the middle.

"It was decided."

"Based on WHAT?"

"I don't know."

Legasov carries an air of disappointment and disbelief. "Forgive me. Maybe I've spent too much time in my lab. Or maybe I'm stupid. But is this really how it all works? An uninformed, arbitrary decision that will cost who knows how many lives is made by some apparatchik?"

A shadow of what seems to be hurt crosses Shcherbina's face. Pikalov was mildly surprised to even see it cross the Deputy Chairman's face. It was gone after a split second, replaced by anger. Calculated anger.

"I am a career Party man. You should mind your tone, Comrade Legasov."

Pikalov then chose that moment to step in to deliver the bad news. They have more things to think about now, _the meltdown has begun._

***

The miners were a bunch of wild men, strong, untamed, _brave men._

"We need fans. Thirty or forty."

"For what purpose?"

"What do you mean? What purpose? To dig your fucking tunnel, what else.”

Pikalov raises his hand and does his best to express why they can't have that.

"Fans will put dust in the air. The dust will go in your lungs."

Glukhov looked murderous. And unimpressed. "I've been filling my lungs with dust for twenty years."

"Not this dust. I'm sorry. But for your own good-- no fans."

***

Pikalov then knew that the miners will not bow down to anyone, so when he saw all of them working naked, he should have seen that one coming.

***

They all worked, Pikalov long since accepted his fate. He will not die by bullets in a battlefield. He will die because a significant amount of his life is cut away due to radiation. Legasov and Shcherbina will also. They all signed their death certificates the moment they step foot here in Chernobyl. Pikalov thinks he only signed his when he volunteered to do it himself, determining the real amount of radiation the core is leaking. They are all dead men burning slowly. And the pain and excruciating thing of it all does not end the moment they fixed it. There is still the responsibility and the process of finding who's to blame.

In all honesty, Pikalov couldn't care less if Bryukhanov, Dyatlov, and Fomin were to spend 10 years of their life in hard labor prison camps, because what comes out of the trial is that, at the end of the day, it wasn't fully their fault.

Valery Legasov stood there at the trial, told the truth, and KGB made him gone.

***

Pikalov was awarded all the recognition the State deemed him worthy. Shcherbina too. But Shcherbina was never the same since the day Legasov was escorted by KGB agents, drove off, never to be seen again. Shcherbina lost more than his own footing that day, Pikalov has seen that kind of look on men falling down on the battlefield, and wishing nothing but to somehow, magically find someone they deeply care about, beside them, and give their final words. As far from what Pikalov knows, Shcherbina didn't even have a chance to say a proper goodbye to him.

Now Shcherbina is only a shell of a man in the service of the Party.

Then news of Legasov's death finally resounded.

***

If Pikalov were to be asked, he would say, that Shcherbina holds Legasov in high appraisal and regard. If he were to be asked, he would say the Deputy Chairman was fond of the scientist. Shcherbina wanted Chernobyl to be fixed, but all of them knew that it won't be easy. It's a long, tiring battle. Pikalov fought in a lot of wars, but this is something that has already shot him a bullet, and now, he's slowly dying. Just like the rest of the men out here.

And whenever he saw Legasov's hurt look when Shcherbina again raised his power over him, and him then apologizing in a silent stare, Pikalov knew that the radiation already has two souls united, mounted in a pedestal, but then, like him, slowly dying.

Pikalov knew Shcherbina would do anything for Legasov. Maybe it's because he's the one who can fix Chernobyl. Relationships forged in the war are deep and unyielding. Pikalov knows it all too well.

***

Pikalov can only silently watch Shcherbina pick up the pieces.

They all lost years of their lives when they step into Chernobyl.

***

Yet, Pikalov knows, Shcherbina lost more of his, he can never blame him.

Both him and Legasov are nothing but true to one another. No one can accuse them of anything. Even Pikalov cannot pinpoint the exact depth of Shcherbina and Legasov's relationship. Where they were just two people tolerating one another, or are they brothers in arms, or even _more?_ Where does the line end, and where does a new one begin?

Pikalov will never know. Unless Legasov provides some intel beyond the grave. The only thing he can vouch for is that, Shcherbina held Legasov in his highest respects, now, no one can accuse a man of such crime when the man in question is already dead.

Shcherbina will not love ghosts, Pikalov knows.

_But who knows the stance when Legasov was still alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *apologizes profusely to Pikalov and all Pikalov stans out there*
> 
> Relatively short, because, as much as I want to do more of his POV, the scripts and the podcasts have little to share when it comes to him. And I found less, when researching his real-life counterpart. I always tend to rely more on the script and podcasts, as I maintain a firm line separating the miniseries world from history. I did the best I can. ksksksks. I hope. But I love writing him, he seems to be a very interesting and morally steadfast character.
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Tell me what you think! And stay tuned for the next character who will get the spotlight! 
> 
> You can rant at me here, or in Tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> Till then, paalam muna! *skitters away*


	2. "These are the most important ninety seconds of your lives."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Again, all lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 2\. This work concerns the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed. Still don't want to be a bother. All mistakes are mine alone. 
> 
> Wew. I need to focus more on my studies for awhile. ksksks.
> 
> Here y'all go!

2\. Nikolai Tarakanov

“What amount of time, what number of men do you require?”

“We expect this liquidation effort to take three years, and approximately 750,000 men, including a number of doctors and structural engineers.” Shcherbina is a more hardened man now. 

Tarakanov can only raise his eyebrows. There are definitely more numbers in the war.

_ Isn’t this a war? _ Tarakanov thought. A war whose opponent already won, despite the obsession of almost all men present in the room right now not to be defeated. 

Gorbachev look worn out, just wanted everything to be over,  _ oh things are far from over, things may only get worse from then on. _

“How many deaths?”

Legasov does not hold back. “Thousands. Perhaps tens of thousands.”

They don’t stand a chance. They have no choice.

“Begin at once.”

***

To be invited to Chernobyl is not an honor, yet must be done for the State. He knows how massive the problem is, but when delivered by Legasov and Shcherbina, it sounded like a prophetic doomsday awaiting them all. The moment he set foot here in Chernobyl, Tarakanov already hammered the first nail into his coffin.

God knows how many nails did Legasov, Shcherbina, Pikalov, and the other soldiers, have already hammered into their coffins. They have been here longer than him.

Legasov is calm enough. “The atom is a humbling thing.” 

Tarakanov can feel his hackles rise. How come this  _ atom _ any humble at all? It made Party men cower behind their desks, soldiers who were strong even if they came back from gruesome wars weaker without them even knowing. And this  _ atom _ forced the entire Soviet Union on her knees.

“Not humbling. Humiliating. Why is the core still exposed to the air? Why haven't we already covered it?”

“We want to. But we can't get close enough. The debris on the roof is graphite from the core itself. Until we push it off the roof and back down into the reactor, it will kill anyone who goes near it.”

As Legasov continues to show him the pictures, Tarakanov can feel a headache coming. Can’t believe he’s hearing all of these. And that you can be killed just by standing in that place.

“We used remote-controlled bulldozers in Afghanistan. Maybe--”

Shcherbina is quick to contradict.

Legasov calmly approached again, as if he is patiently talking to a student. “Moon rovers.”

_ Goddamn. What?  _

“Lunokhod STR-1's. They're light, and if we line them with lead, they can withstand the radiation.”

No one has to go to that roof. Fine. Tarakanov can understand that logic. 

It just doesn’t stop there. The real deal comes in the form of Masha. 

“Twelve thousand roentgen. If you stood there in full protective gear, head to toe-- you would receive a lifetime dose in ninety seconds. At two minutes, your life expectancy is cut in half. By three minutes-- you're dead within months.”

_ I can now feel the headache. And it might not just be the radiation doing it.  _ Tarakanov has a strong urge to massage his forehead.

Shcherbina looked tired. And he is not holding anything back now. Clearly, Legasov is rubbing off him.

“I think it's fair to say this piece of roof is the most dangerous place on the planet.”

Tarakanov now looks at both of them.  _ Why am I even here? _

“So, what do we do?”

“That’s what we were going to ask you.”

The idea was sound enough to push Legasov into approving. Tarakanov learned to trust Legasov's words above his own, as this person might be the balm the State all needed to solve the problem and the threat Chernobyl has become. Military men obey him. Shcherbina, a career party man, obeys him. Tarakanov sees no reason not to.

***

Legasov and Shcherbina.

Both men were one of the first to be on the site of the disaster when it happened, together with Pikalov. The work is excruciating, it is reasonable enough that the two are close, they were both the face of hope the State is keen on presenting to its citizens and to the world.

Trauma and unlikely situations can bond men for a lifetime. Tarakanov agrees with what Pikalov has mentioned to him the first time he came here. Legasov and Shcherbina must learn to adapt and trust one another to make things work. Without the other, all plans and systems will not work. They both need one another to become a functioning unit. Gorbachev might not be thinking deep enough when he sent Legasov with Shcherbina on that first day of briefing of the incident, but what he did was actually a smart choice.

When the rovers landed on the roof, the teasing between the two didn't go unnoticed by all of the men present in the room. Tarakanov was not surprised when Shcherbina enveloped Legasov in a hug, what transpired calls for a celebration. Small victories must be celebrated, for its still a faraway battle to go.

***

All of that faded when the German robot died on the roof of Masha.

He and Legasov stood outside, as Shcherbina shouted profanities to the phone. He feels a slight twinge of sympathy for the KGB agent who is now on the receiving end of the ire of one Boris Shcherbina.

No one wants to be on the receiving end of the Deputy Chairman's ire. Smart men know that. Tarakanov knows it. The man wielded more than power. Shcherbina would not be in his position if he only wielded power. Being a career party man takes more than just that. Maybe in the military, that would be enough. Strength even can already be good enough. But in politics? Tarakanov has every good bit of reason to avoid politics. 

It’s not that he cannot be as smart as Shcherbina is, he wouldn’t be a general if he is not that  _ smart. _

Tarakanov avoided politics because he, a man of honor himself, cannot stomach that much  _ lying. _

  
  


Besides, he thinks he might be somewhat of a terrible liar. He is easily prone to his emotions, but he knows when to release it for the betterment of both of his own and the men under his command. 

“GOOD! GOOD, I WANT THEM TO HEAR! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING? THE MEN WE'RE BURNING? BURNING!!!”

Tarakanov saw Legasov light up a cigarette, he is also tempted for one,  _ dammit, our lives are flushing down the drain and now this happened.  _

What Tarakanov might need is a glass of vodka. Both he and Legasov feel a sense of pity for the soldier standing nearby the trailer, the fear etched on his face.

“YOU THINK I CARE? I'M A DEAD MAN! TELL RYZHKOV! TELL LIGACHEV! TELL GORBACHEV! TELL THEM! TELL--”

That phone is dead, Tarakanov never felt so much pity for an inanimate object as much as he has now, seeing Shcherbina walk outside, the phone an unrecognizable heap in his hand.

Legasov looks worried, a trained eye may see it directly, to a random man, it may not. Years in the military turned Tarakanov into a man who immediately sees details. Details which can either be beneficial to them, or not.

Tarakanov waits. So does Legasov. With anxiety.

“The official position of the State is that a global nuclear catastrophe is not possible in the Soviet Union. They told the international community the highest detected level of radiation was 2,000 roentgen. They gave the propaganda number to the Germans. The robot was never going to work.”

Never did Tarakanov felt defeat in his life. In the wars and things he has seen and done, he always thought to himself that he could survive it, that he would win, he would come home, and everything else will be fine. 

But as he closes his eyes and let his head hang loose, he knows,  _ someone finally knocked him down.  _

Tarakanov wanted to disappear.  _ Dead man walking. _

“We need a new phone.”

***

Men who suffer together also drink together, Tarakanov laughs at himself for the tidbit of thought. 

They are running out of ideas. They need to have one. Tarakanov didn’t come here just to drown in his own self-existential crisis and let the radiation have the last say. He was raised better than this.

The lead thing was embarrassing enough, he turned to focus again on the bigger issue at hand. 

As the night went on, it seems him and Shcherbina are competing for the most  _ stupid _ idea on how to deal with Masha. For him, it’s exploding bullets,  _ he got an incredulous look from Shcherbina _ ; and for the other man, it's lead coating. He counter-argued that idea, resulting in Shcherbina raising his hands in defeat. They are just exchanging frustrations and even more  _ inane  _ ideas. It’s a miracle Legasov still didn’t kick them both off outside.

_ Then asking technology from the Americans. Are we truly going to go that low?  _ Tarakanov took one whole shot of vodka.

Legasov ultimately took the road less taken. Shcherbina sharply looked at Legasov, a hint of worry in his eyes.

“Biorobots. We use biorobots. Men.”

Shcherbina stared at Legasov like he wanted to whisk him away at that place, or that he was insane than the ideas thrown out by the two of them, but Legasov’s face stayed the same. 

_ He is serious.  _

Tarakanov grabbed the bottle from the table and drank straight from it.

***

Whatever is happening in Chernobyl is taking a toll not only on their health, but in their state of mind.

No one can blame them if they find solace in the most unlikely of places.

He can not blame Shcherbina if he finds solace in Legasov. He’s the one who has the exact and most accurate idea of what is going on.

Tarakanov can only find solace in the fact that they are both working well enough and with one another to keep this operation in top shape.

There is no room for failure. Only setbacks. They have no choice but to keep going.

Shcherbina and Legasov must continue finding solace in one another to keep going. Even if the thought sometimes wander into dangerous territory, Tarakanov does not mind it. It’s all inside his head. No one can arrest him for thoughts he does not dare to speak aloud.

For now, he will hold onto the whatever precipice the relationship between Shcherbina and Legasov stands on. Because in that precipice, Tarakanov can see hope and dare to feel it.

***

_ No time to fuck around. _

Tarakanov looked at the men. All grim business. “Comrade soldiers.”

He took a deep breath. Radiation filling in his lungs.

“The Soviet people have had enough of this accident. They want us to clean it up, and we are entrusting you with this serious task. Because of the nature of the working area, you will each have no more than ninety seconds to solve this problem.”

_ Ninety seconds. Each second can make all the difference. _

Tarakanov can only look somber and commanding. Whatever price they all have to pay, it’s all for the State. 

  
  


_ “ _ These are the most important ninety seconds of your lives. Commit your task to memory. Then do your job.”

  
  


_ Dead men walking.  _

***

The day the flag of the Soviet Union was raised at the top of the tower, was a relief for all of those men.

But for Tarakanov, he cannot find solace in the flittering red flag. No one can find solace in this land anymore. Even if he comes back to Moscow, he will never find it.

“Congratulations, comrades. You are the last of 3,828 men. You have performed your duties  perfectly. I wish you good health and long life. All of you are awarded with a bonus of 800 rubles.”

He shook the man's hand.

“Thank you.”

“I serve the Soviet Union.”

_ I serve the fucking Soviet Union, all at the expense of my own life. _

“Thank you.”

“I serve the Soviet Union”

  
  


And now, these men, they all paid their price. 

***

Returning to Moscow was a somber business. The politics of it all will be the death of everyone else in the room, and Tarakanov has no interest in getting caught in the middle of the crossfire.

He would rather dodge the bullet this time.

***

Together with Pikalov, he was also awarded by the State as he was deemed worthy. He was promoted, so is Pikalov. He glanced at Shcherbina, also awarded. They were all here today, to honor all those who gave their lives and service in order for Chernobyl to be fixed. They were laid down as heroes, heroes of the Soviet Union.

Valery Legasov’s name was not even mentioned, once, throughout the whole ceremony.

  
  


***

Tarakanov heard from Pikalov what happened on the day of the trial. Legasov was led away by KGB agents, after giving his full testimony on the cause of the explosion of reactor no. 4 at Chernobyl. He and Shcherbina didn’t even have the chance to say their proper farewells. At first, Tarakanov thought it was just a temporary affair.

He should’ve known better. But as he has known for the entirety of his life, politics, and lying, is never his strongest suit.

***

“These are the men that are also part of the clean up. They are the ones in line for the next batch of awards, scheduled for next week ceremonies, General Secretary.”

The voice of Gorbachev’s assistant was a blur to Tarakanov’s ears. He flipped the pages open, he saw the names, the gifts, the honors, the privileges given to the men.

He saw Legasov’s name at the far end of the paper. 

“Why is Professor’s Legasov been scratched off the list? For the third time?”

Shcherbina’s voice may sound monotonous to Gorbachev, but for Tarakanov, is sounded as Shcherbina is asking for a fist fight right there at the boardroom.

“Professor Legasov has committed acts of grave disrespect, bordering on treason, Comrade Shcherbina. Despite all his efforts and expertise that has fueled and prevented a much larger scale disaster at Chernobyl from happening again, he still delivered contradicting statements, put the State in a precarious position, and  _ clearly putting it as the one to blame for the tragedy _ . It’s outrageous, and you are also outrageous, comrade, for even trying to put him on the list,  _ for the third time. _ ”

Tarakanov’s hands balled into fists. He lowered them under the table. He can see Shcherbina holding back the anger. But it is clear he wants to punch the smugness out of Charkov’s face.

_ Dead men walking.  _

“He is the one responsible for everything that has happened post-Chernobyl explosion. The reason all of us are alive right now, the reason why Chernobyl didn’t turn into a wide scale nuclear catastrophe, the reason why the international community is not on our heels right now, for this disaster, is all because of Legasov. And now, you can’t even give him the respect he deserves, because of what, because he told the truth you all are so afraid of hearing!”

_ He should’ve known. _

Tarakanov looked at Shcherbina.  _ Look into my direction, Boris, don’t get desperate. You still got something in your hands. _

Gorbachev looked murderous, turned a sharp eye at Shcherbina.

“What Legasov did, all of his efforts will not be in vain. We can all clearly see the effects and results of everything he did at Chernobyl, right now. But we cannot do the same honor for him as the one we are giving to all those soldiers and people who worked during the cleanup. We cannot align him on the same pedestal as those men. What Legasov did, especially at the end of it all, is a direct contradiction of his values as a Party member and supporter.”

“So, you are not going to give him anything?”

All eyes turned on him now. Gorbachev looked surprised, probably not expecting him to offer his opinion. 

Shcherbina is now turned to him.  _ Good. I am with you, Boris. _

Tarakanov gestured at the paper. “You will not offer anything for what Legasov did?”

He stared at Gorbachev, daring him.

Shcherbina waits. With bated breath.

  
  


“Give him a watch.”

***

It's a miracle Tarakanov didn’t have to pull a fuming Boris Shcherbina away from the boardroom.

It's also a miracle that the only thing Shcherbina do is ball his right hand into a fist, and glare murderously at Gorbachev.

***

Legasov was soon found dead in his apartment, two years after he last saw him, at the wastelands of Chernobyl.

***

He only talked to Shcherbina a few moments before he was set to leave for Afghanistan.  _ Back to the old days again _ . But Tarakanov is glad to be away. Away from Kremlin. Away from the KGB. Away from the shitshow the Party has become since the release of the tapes allegedly recorded by Legasov prior to his death, telling the truth about Chernobyl.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

Shcherbina looked tired.  _ Dead men walking.  _ As if the fight left him.

Maybe it did. Maybe it did leave him the day Legasov died.

“Congratulations on your new posting, General. The Party expects nothing but exemplary results from you and your squadron. Please, be careful.”

They shook hands. 

He leaned closer to Shcherbina, and whispered to him. To the KGB agent watching nearby, it may look like two men exchanging farewells and good jokes. 

But Tarakanov is not here to say farewell. Or to tell a crude joke that may have made his men laugh. He is here to deliver his piece.

“My deepest condolences for a lost comrade, Boris.”

Shcherbina looked at him, eyes wild, a moment of hesitation.

He clapped him on the shoulder, then leaned again.

“Smile after I say this, he will never stay dead, Boris. His legacy will soon rise, you know it. I know it. The whole KGB knows it. Continue to fight for him, Boris. Don’t let the death of your loved one be in vain.”

Boris smiled, automatic. But there were tears in his eyes.

They both shared long looks, before letting go of each other’s hands.

_ I know. _

_ I’m. _

_ You’re safe. I am not here to judge. _

  
  


Tarakanov walked away, suddenly alight with the realization, that hanging on from that precipice, might be the best decision he ever made. 

_ Love. _

It was love who planted hope into that place. And made things done at once.

  
  


What if they are two men? Tarakanov may never understand how, but he will respect the emotion and Boris Shcherbina’s attitude towards Valery Legasov. They have done so much. They’ve seen too much. Battlefields have always seen the most unlikely of things,  _ this  _ is just many of those. 

  
  


Who is he to stand in the way of such emotion? It is after all, what led to Chernobyl to be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *apologizes profusely again to Tarakanov and to all Tarakanov stans out there*
> 
> Some events are taken straight out of historical accounts (the watch for Legasov, yeah, that is real and it's a really shitty way to show appreciation for everything Legasov has done. Try again, Gorbachev.) But almost all else are creative liberties. Don't use this fic as a reference for your research study. 
> 
> A reader also pointed out about the "give him a watch scene" as an idea by the awesome @isamariposa in her fic "Bittersweet". Go read it guys! Its amazingly beautiful. And also, I would like to point out that the decision of giving Legasov a watch is indeed true to life and when I wrote it into this fic, I was thinking about the real life scenario and applied it here into the fic verse. Go check out @tryingtobealwaystrying tumblr to learn more about it and more information surrounding the incident and the real people and events involved.
> 
> But still, credits to @isamariposa for first constituting the movement which is giving Legasov a watch for his works in Chernobyl and applying it to the fic universe. And apologies for the late credits, the scene does look similar, I truly apologize for this omg sksks.  
> *really Gorbachev, wtf*  
> 
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Please shout out abuse at me in the comments or at Tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> Stay tuned for the next one in line for garroting. chchchkjlflfslfs just joking. Iloveyouall don't become like me.
> 
> Till then, paalam muna! *skitters away*


	3. "Begin at Once"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Again, this concerns the HBO depictions and characters. No disrespect intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed still, because I don't want to be a bother.
> 
> I cannot promise speedy updates. Sksks.
> 
> Here y'all go!

3\. Mikhail Gorbachev

“In terms of radiation, Plant Director Bryukhanov reports no more than 3.6 roentgen. I'm told that's the equivalent of a chest x-ray. So if you're overdue for a check-up…”

He couldn’t do more, but laugh a little at Shchebina’s joke. There should be nothing to worry about the incident at Chernobyl. If Shcherbina assures it's fine, then it probably is.

“As for the fire, it's largely contained. Pikalov and his men should have it out soon enough.”

“Foreign press?”

“Totally unaware.” _Good._

“--so if there is nothing else? Meeting adjourned.”

_Good. I need to do some other things anyway._

“NO!”

_What the?_

Gorbachev swiftly finds the voice of the man at the far end of the table. _Who is this man, for god’s sake?_

He is attacked with the sudden urge to whiplash the man back to his station, but, perhaps, he should hear whatever he has to say.

The man looks distressed.

“Pardon me?”

“We can’t adjourn.”

Gorbachev turned a side eye to Shcherbina. _Well?_

The moment Shcherbina introduced who the man is, Gorbachev’s world will never be the same again.

Professor Valery Legasov from the Kurchatov Institute kicked his whole world off its axis.

***

It only took a few seconds for the calm atmosphere of the meeting to turn somewhat into a playground full of noisy children arguing points.

In this case, it's between two kids named Shcherbina and Legasov. Gorbachev resisted the urge to press his fingers to his eyelids.

“Yes, "3.6 roentgen", which by the way is not the equivalent of one chest x-ray, but rather four hundred chest x-rays. That number's been bothering me for a different reason, though. It's also the maximum reading on low-limit dosimeters. They gave us the number they had, but I think the true number is much, much higher. If I'm right, this fireman was holding the equivalent of four million x-rays. In his hand.”

“Professor Legasov. There is no place for alarmist hysteria in this room.”

“It's not alarmist if it's a fact!”

_Dear god, like children. Time to step in_

“I don’t hear any facts at all.”

Silence.

Good. The order has been restored. They are powerful, strong, intelligent men. They are not a bunch of children arguing in a playground. They are members of the Party, for god’s sakes.

“All I hear is a man I don't know engaging in conjecture-- in direct contradiction of what has been reported by Party officials.”

Shcherbina smiled. _Cheeky._

Legasov soon realized who he is speaking to, and he looked liked as if someone threw cold water into his face. _Remember your place, comrade._

“I apologize. I didn't mean-- may I express my concern as calmly and respectfully as I can?”

Gorbachev this time, raised a hand to prevent Shcherbina from riling up Legasov more. He needs to hear the scientist. 

Legasov began to tell the horrific version of Shcherbina’s report on the incident at Chernobyl.

***

“And this-- concern-- stems entirely from the description of a rock?”

Legasov is stone-faced. Unafraid. Never lying. “Yes.” 

Gorbachev wanted to kick something. _More work to do. How can it even?_

He turned to Shcherbina. _You!_ “I want you to go to Chernobyl. Look at the reactor. You personally. Report directly back to me.”

“A wise decision. I’ll depart at once.”

“And take Legasov with you.”

_I know what I am doing._

The two mentioned looked at him, as if begging him to restate it, because they might have just misheard.

“Forgive me, Comrade General Secretary, but--”

“Do you know how a nuclear reactor works, Boris Evdokimovich?”

Shcherbina looked like a kicked puppy. Or a kicked bulldog. He resisted the urge to find the hilarity of this situation, this situation was supposed to be giving him a headache _goddamnit!_

“No.”

“Then how will you know what you’re looking at?”

Gorbachev stands up, so does the rest of the men. The last thing he sees before the door of the boardroom closes behind him, is Shcherbina and Legasov engaged in a staring match.

_They will be fine._

***

_Chernobyl is such a shitshow, it's a wonder Shcherbina and the others are making progress._

Gorbachev walked into the boardroom, the newcomer woman noticed first by his eyes. The headache just keeps on worsening. He wants everything to be over.

“I have ten minutes. Then I'm back on the phone. Apologizing to our friends. Apologizing to our enemies.” He glared at Legasov and Shcherbina. “Our power comes from the perception of our power. Do you understand the damage this has done? Do you understand what's at stake? Boris.”

_Bring me some good news, god, I need it._

“Professor Legasov will deliver our briefing.”

Gorbachev leaned back to avoid showing his surprise. _Whatever happened to the two bickering children in my boardroom few days ago? Did they all finally came to their senses? What did Legasov do to my Deputy Chairman?_

_He trusts Legasov easily now? Interesting._

The words of the incoming explosion, even when delivered by Khomyuk, from the Byelorusian Institute of Nuclear Energy, _a woman,_ did nothing to soften its blow on Gorbachev. The headache intensified. 

***

Shcherbina still hadn’t said a single word since the start of the meeting. Now, with what Legasov is saying about asking for permission for them to kill three men, the only thing he can get from the Deputy Chairman is a look of sheer terror and weariness.

_What have you done to my Deputy Chairman, Legasov?_

“Comrade Legasov. All victories inevitably come at a cost. Sometimes we count this cost in rubles. Sometimes we count it in lives.”

Signing a death order has never been this terrifying, in all his years as the General Secretary, he never felt this defeated, this worn down, this nagging feeling of terror and panic. 

***

The others are filing away from the room, Khomyuk and Legasov engaged in a conversation as they walked outside. Shcherbina was approached by Gorbachev’s secretary as he made his way toward the two.

“Deputy Chairman, the General Secretary would like to have a word.” She leaned closer to avoid being heard by the others. “In private.”

Shcherbina didn’t even spare a nod towards Legasov and Khomyuk, he just followed the secretary towards the office of Gorbachev, where the man disappeared into a few seconds ago.

He didn’t see the look Legasov was giving him as both he and Khomyuk watch him walk away.

“Is he alright?”

Legasov turned to Khomyuk. “It’s my fault.”

***

Shcherbina stood facing Gorbachev, the man loosening his facade of sternness and the leader he was supposed to be fading away, in the sanctuary of his office.

“Take a seat, comrade.”

“I would rather stand, comrade General Secretary. It helps me calm my nerves.”

Gorbachev looked into him from the top of his glasses, perched on the bridge of his nose.

The papers and the telephone in the corner of the table are forgotten. His forehead wrinkled in concern.

“Boris.”

Shcherbina turned to Gorbachev. Adapting the best neutral expression he can muster. But he feels Gorbachev would have seen right through him.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

Boris thought he might have answered a little too soon, because Gorbachev soon lowered his eyes, took a breath, then stared at him again.

“What did Legasov do to you?”

Boris closed his eyes, then rubbed a hand over his face.

“Legasov has nothing to do with this. It’s just, everything. All the things happening at once. Chernobyl is not the minor accident Bryukhanov initially said to us. It’s much bigger, worst, it’s _catastrophic._ And Legasov might be the only one with enough clear head to deal with all of this.”

Gorbachev raised an eyebrow, but otherwise, said nothing.

“You might think that when you sent him together with me, it’s just a rough coincidence. But I truly think that he might hold the answers as to why Chernobyl happened, and how to fix it.”

A sound of eyeglasses meeting the table. Gorbachev looked at Shcherbina. Intent. 

“Then, I am glad I sent him out with you. I just hope you two are working well enough with one another. Nothing is amiss, is it?”

He thought he saw a shadow of panic at Shcherbina’s eyes, but it must have been the fatigue messing with his vision.

“Nothing else that you should need to worry about, General Secretary.”

“I hope the plan will work, Boris.”

Boris stared. Again, the man he knows, hardened, the fighter. “It will. It has to. Besides, it's our best chance and option. Comrade Legasov knows what he is doing.”

When his Deputy Chairman walked out of his office after their talk, the only thing Gorbachev can do, before submerging himself again into the damage control to be done because of Chernobyl, he again took a look at the folder inside his desk, open it, and read the lines that will soon be etched into his memory.

The folder read: _Valery Alekseyevich Legasov_

_Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy_

_What do you have, that made Boris Evdokimovich wrapped around your little finger? Or is he already drawn to you, since day one?_

***

The papers are strewn all over his desk, and it's time to hear whether they managed to escape a thermal explosion that will basically end them all.

“The graphite fire is nearly out, and the bubbler tanks are being drained. We have successfully eliminated the risk of thermal explosion.”

_There is something._

“And?”

“The situation inside the core is deteriorating faster than anticipated. The concrete pad will hold for 6 to 8 weeks, but after that, Legasov estimates a 50% chance the fuel will breach the pad and melt down into the groundwater itself.”

“And where does the groundwater go?”

“The Pripyat River, which feeds into the Dnieper. The primary water supply for approximately fifty million people--not to mention crops and--”

_Stop. I don’t want any of this anymore._

“We are recommending we install a heat exchanger under the pad to lower the core temperature and halt the meltdown. In order to do this, I'm told we'll need all of the liquid nitrogen in the Soviet Union.”

“Whatever you need, you have it. That should be clear by now. Is there anything else?”

“My apologies. No. Thank you for--”

“Yes. I wanted to address the 30 kilometer exclusion zone--”

_Is that Legasov? What?_

_This man just never learns his lesson, can he? Why is Boris drawn to him anyway?_

“Legasov, you are there for one purpose, do you understand? To make this stop. I don't want questions. I want to know when this will be over.”

“If you mean, when will Chernobyl be completely safe, the half-life of Plutonium-239 is 24,000 years. Perhaps we should just say, "Not within our lifetimes."

_Alright, fuck you, Legasov._

He hangs up.

He put his head in his hands. 

_What have I done, bringing those two together?_

***

Gorbachev will probably never stop regretting what he’s done, but it’s already there. Might as well work with what he got.

He refused the imploring looks Charkov sends his way whenever their eyes meet over the boardroom. Whatever Charkov knows, it can wait. He has to deal with _all of these_ first.

“Lastly, Professor Legasov and I have been vigilant to protect the security interests of the State. Since the unfortunate release of information directly following the accident, we believe there has been no further lapse. Comrade Charkov, we hope we have lived up to the highest standards

of the KGB.”

“You have.”

“Thank you. Professor Legasov will now speak about the work that remains.”

Gorbachev noticed the arm behind Legasov, as Shcherbina took his seat, and Legasov stood up. 

_Protecting him from Charkov eh? Interesting._

_Legasov seems to have found himself a knight._

Gorbachev chuckled. But only inside his head. There is no room for such frivolities right now.

But he couldn’t help himself if he thinks of something amusing.

He refused to meet Charkov’s stare.

“Thank you. Deputy Minister Shcherbina has given you the good news.. And it is good. The immediate danger is over. But now, I am afraid, a long war must begin.”

***

Someday, Gorbachev will begin to fully accept the brutal weight of the price they must pay to fix Chernoby. Maybe that day will not be today, but someday.

The world does not even give him much choice on the matter.

“Begin at once.”

***

It was nearing midnight when a knock sounded on his door, and the deputy chairman of the KGB went in.

“Yes, comrade Charkov?”

“I hope I am not interrupting any important work, comrade General Secretary. But I am afraid I need to have a word with you.” He took a seat.

“What about?”

“Concerning our Deputy Chairman, and his _dear_ Professor Legasov.”

Gorbachev felt something akin to anger. _How dare he suggest something like that?_

“What about them?” His tone bordered into dangerous territory. He tried to act nonchalant.

But Charkov didn’t get to his position for nothing.

“It seems Comrade Shcherbina has difficulty controlling _his_ professor. A while ago, after the meeting. Legasov asked me outright about the arrest of his colleague, Ulana Khomyuk, the one from the Byelorussian Institute of Nuclear Energy.”

Gorbachev felt his anger dissipating into surprise. _That man never truly learned his place, did he?_

“If Shcherbina truly wanted to keep him around for _long,_ he needs to keep him on a leash.”

“You should be saying that to him, not to me.”

“He’s your Deputy Chairman. You need to learn everything is to know about him. Besides, I think you need to understand how _peculiar_ the relationship between Legsov and Shcherbina is.”

Gorbachev was avoiding this topic as long as he can. He does not like the answers his mind provides whenever he lets himself wander into this dangerous topic.

“I think I can gauge for myself how _peculiar_ the relationship between Legasov and Shcherbina is.”

Charkov smiled, then stood up.

“I know you fully can, General Secretary. I am just reminding you, especially with everything that is happening due to Chernobyl, it is easy to get lost in a mountain of work, and forget our priorities. You are the best person to judge, I know. After all, you were the one who put the two of them together, the first time around.”

***

Gorbachev never liked the thoughts coming up his head whenever he thinks about Shcherbina and Legasov. 

He just hopes someday, these thoughts, will be proven wrong.

***

He should’ve known better the moment he decided Shcherbina should go to Chernobyl with Legasov.

He should’ve known better than to think that Shcherbina could contain Legasov.

He should've known better than to trust a ticking time bomb called Valery Legasov.

***

Vienna was a moment of solitude. The trial was not.

KGB dealt with Legasov, now he has to deal with Shcherbina.

The Deputy Chairman who faced him that day, was not the same man he has given the position to.

_He should’ve known better._

***

As Pikalov, Tarakanov, Shcherbina, and countless others were awarded, Gorbachev looked at his Deputy Chairman. Shcherbina looked like as if he wanted to be anywhere than to be here. 

He cornered Shcherbina before making his exit at the hall.

“Deputy Chairman.”

“Comrade General Secretary.”

_The smile is forced._

“Are you well? The doctors are doing what they are supposed to be doing, right?”

“Yes. They have been nothing but performing exemplary for my health. Please excuse me, General Secretary, I need to address some things regarding certain legalities with a new project on an energy development project in Minsk.”

He can only watch as Shcherbina walk away, coughing as he goes.

***

“Give him a watch.”

He can feel Shcherbina’s outrage up to his seat.

***

Legasov is now dead, and his fear that Shcherbina might have died alongside him finally came to life.

Even beyond the grave, Legasov haunted Shcherbina. And all the people in the Kremlin.

***

“You are not getting any better, Boris.”

The name finally caught him. Shcherbina looked at him, defiance still in his eyes.

“What do you expect, being away from Chernobyl will magically make my sickness go away? No. It does not work that way. I have only a few years left to live, Valery said so.”

“And you believed everything he said?”

“When did he lie?! TELL ME WHEN?!”

Shcherbina didn’t raise his voice, but the tone itself spoke volumes.

“He only told what is needed to be done. Now people will know about it, you know about it, I know about it. It's only a matter of time before it pushes us all to the edge. We need to act now.”

Gorbachev stood, finally releasing his pent up anger. On Boris. On the whole mess Legasov left behind. Onto himself.

_I was the one who brought them together._

“He did the State wrong! He accused us of being the true perpetrators of the Chernobyl disaster. Do you realize how that sounds like? He has gone against all principles, and turned against his own men and people. Whatever he did, all of it, he just flushed it all down the drain the moment he said that RBMK reactor cores explode due to lies! You are defending a traitor, Boris. What does that make you?”

Boris looked defiantly at him. 

The radiation may have weakened him physically, but he still has the spirit of the Ukranian bull Gorbachev admired, and the primary reason he chose him to be his Deputy Chairman.

_A shell of a man, who have no more to lose._

_No. He is not that._

“Think of all the things you will lose, Boris. All because you keep on defending a man who turned his back to his own people.”

“Valery did nothing of that sort! He has always stood with the people, because he always stood with the truth. All of you are just plain cowards for refusing to accept it!”

It was only the first of their many series of arguments, for the remaining years Shcherbina has left to live.

***

When Gorbachev would look back to Shcherbina’s life, he will be reminded of the astute, the stubborn, the Ukranian bull Boris is. 

He would also be reminded of how cheeky, hot-headed, he can be. _The man is technically easy to replace._

Yet Gorbachev didn’t have the guts to do that, despite their many arguments since Legasov’s death.

He cannot.

He was the one who chose Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina as his Deputy Chairman.

_And Legasov took him away. Just like that._

_He never got to take back Boris from him._

He will forever carry on the guilt that somewhat, he did this to his own Deputy.

_I was the one who brought them together._

_I did this to them._

_I did this to him._

Gorbachev is a politician. A politician in a web of lies.

He can keep a secret for another career Party man. It’s basically part of the job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Gorbachev, you need to rethink your decisions and purposes, like seriously.*
> 
> I can't say when the two people will get their time, sksks.
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Please shout out abuse at me in the comments. You can also reach me at Tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> Stay woke for the next in line who will hog the spotlight. Till then, paalam muna! *skitters away*


	4. "Trust, but verify."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Again, this concerns the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended toward their real life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended. 
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed still because your gurl does not want to be a bother.
> 
> I published this chapter as a final "fuck you" to myself before I submerged into studying and dying for Mineral Economics. 
> 
> Here y'all go!

4\. Charkov

The responsibility on his shoulders as the Deputy Chairman of the KGB is something an ordinary man would find tiring and complex.

For Charkov, being part of the system for years have given him both the experience and the ammunition to take the position when offered.

Now that he has the power, he has no intention of giving it back down to incompetent men who thinks more highly of themselves than the State herself. This power was created and given in order to protect and defend her. Charkov will do anything and everything in his power and capacity to do just that.

Men themselves are flawed. But the system is not. The system only becomes flawed due to the people involved in it.

It is the purview of the KGB to eliminate such flaws in the system. Whatever stories ordinary people here about them will never be proven as either wrong or correct.

KGB is a web of secrets. Just like how some people will say that the Party is a web of lies.

Charkov knows how to navigate in a web of secrets and it is not lies, _its statecraft._ He is been living inside it for years.

Statecraft is necessary. This is what makes the system work. Never would he thought that this complex art of action would be an honorable thing to do for the State. But for the Soviet Union, it is a must. Like the how the Party needs men like him, Shcherbina, or Gorbachev. They would not rise to their ranks now if they cannot understand how it is done. Things are not awarded on a silver platter. They have to work hard, and smarter, in order to get it.

Now, if they are involving one Valery Alekseyevich Legasov into the system, then, he needs to know _the art of statecraft for the good of the State._

***

“Find everything you can about this man. Do the standard background check. Everything. We need to know all the things this man has done, will do, and where does his sentiments lie.”

“Understood, Deputy Chairman.”

  


It does not take long before a folder bearing Legasov’s name arrived at his desk. He soon requested a copy of all the documents, and sent it to the General Secretary.

***

All the whispers and reports the agents have been sending his way has been _peculiar_ to say at least.

Legasov and Shcherbina have been walking on eggshells since that fateful meeting at the boardroom. Even there at Chernobyl, they are constantly vying for results and power, arguing left and right, on how to proceed when it comes to dealing with the disaster. The career Party man is only willing to listen to the scientist when he states the ways on how to put out the fire on the reactor, but when it comes to something else, like the repercussions of the explosion, Legasov is talking to a brick wall.

Then Shcherbina followed Legasov’s advice to evacuate Pripyat.

_Surprising. How did he manage to do that?_

The recordings gave him the answer.

_“We’re staying here.”_

_“Yes, we are. And we’ll be dead in five years.”_

_Silence._

_“I'm-- I'm sorry, I didn't--”_

  


_Interesting._

Time to deliver the bad news to Shcherbina.

***

“I think you and I should take a walk.”

“It's late. I'm tired.”

“We're taking a walk.”

  


_No running away from us, Shcherbina._

***

“Lastly, Professor Legasov and I have been vigilant to protect the security interests of the State. Since the unfortunate release of information directly following the accident, we believe there has been no further lapse. Comrade Charkov, we hope we have lived up to the highest standards of the KGB.”

_Non-committal_

“You have. Of course you have.”

Legasov averts his eyes from him.

_Something to hide from me, Legasov?_

Legasov rises to deliver his briefing.

“The immediate danger is over. But now, I am afraid, a long war must begin.”

***

He was actually expecting Legasov to come after him the moment the meeting was over.

Apparently, even Shcherbina cannot predict _his_ Legasov. Charkov inwardly chuckled at the thought.

“Valery--”

“Comrade Charkov.”

He slowly turns around. _Maybe this day will be not as grey as the others are._

“Yes, professor?”

“My associate was arrested last night.”

“Oh?”

“I mean no disrespect, but I was wondering if you could tell me why.”

_A true scientist. Always asking the whys._

“I'm sorry. I don't know who you're talking about.”

“She was arrested by the KGB.”

_Please elaborate, professor. Make this worth my time._

“You are the first deputy chairman of the KGB.”

Charkov smiled. But the smile never reached his eyes.

“I am! That's why I don't have to bother with arresting people anymore.”

“But you are bothering to have your people follow me.”

_Now, professor. You truly have no filter, do you? I can see why Shcherbina is always nervous around you. You are like a ticking time bomb. Interesting._

Yet, Charkov eyes stayed _dead._

Shcherbina’s tension got the best of him. “Professor, the deputy chairman is a busy man---”

“No, no, it's perfectly understandable. Comrade, I know you've heard the stories about us. When I hear them, even I am shocked. But we're not what people say. Yes, people are following you. People are following those people. And you see them? They follow me. The KGB is a circle of accountability. Nothing more.”

“You know the job we're doing. Do you really not trust us?”

_Naive? A stark contrast to who Shcherbina is._

“Of course I do! But you know the old Russian proverb: "Trust, but verify." And the Americans think Ronald Reagan came up with that! Can you imagine? It was very nice speaking with you.”

“I need her.”

Charkov looked at Legasov, the warmth gone. Replaced with seemingly the _real him_ he was willing to show Legasov, Shcherbina, and the other men at the hall.

“So you will be accountable for her.”

The slight twitch in Shcherbina’s face didn’t go unnoticed in Charkov’s eyes. He may be fixed on Legasov right now, but he can still see everything. Legasov remains unaware. _It is a good thing._

Legasov nods.

“Then it’s done.”

“Her name is--”

“I know who she is. Good day, professor.”

_Naive idiot._

_Is that how Shcherbina sees him?_

_Clearly, he hasn’t been paying attention. Now I can see why Legasov has Shcherbina wrapped around his little finger._

Things are indeed a little less grey today. And the reports and recordings he will have to go through, soon enough, Charkov looks forward to it.

_A chase for the confirmation he needs._

***

True to his nature, and to Charkov’s initial thoughts, Legasov is _indeed_ a ticking time bomb.

He may not have exploded at Vienna, after all, he did show Legasov what are waiting for him after the trial. He did show Legasov what he will lose if he did defy against protocol.

_Everything is already laid out in a silver platter for you, Legasov, foolish of you if you will not take it._

Charkov made sure everything Legasov wants to have is laid on that platter.

But he was wrong.

He wasn’t able to account for _everything._

***

The time bomb named Valery Alekseyevich Legasov exploded at Chernobyl. How quaint.

***

“Scientists, and your idiot obsession with reasons. When the bullet hits your skull, what will it matter why!”

He needs to know.

What is that one thing he wasn’t able to account for?

_Legasov, Legasov, you just never learn do you?_

“No one's getting shot, Legasov. The whole world saw you in Vienna. It would be embarrassing to kill you now. And for what? Your testimony today will not be accepted by the State. It will not be disseminated in the press. It never happened. No, you will live-- however long you have. But not as a scientist. Not anymore. You'll keep your title and your office, but no duties, no authority, no friends. No one will talk to you. No one will listen to you. Other men-- lesser men-- will receive credit for the things you have done. Your legacy is now their legacy. You'll live long enough to see that.”

_A just punishment for betraying the State._

Charkov smiled.

Right. The unaccounted one.

“What role did Shcherbina play in this?”

“None. He didn’t know what I was going to say.”

“What role did Khomyuk play in this?”

“None. She didn’t know either.”

_Maybe I am looking at the wrong place._

“After all you've said and done today, it would be-- curious-- if you chose this moment to lie.”

“I would think a man of your experience would know a lie when he hears one.”

It’s time to show Legasov the price for the line he crossed. The State has had enough.

“You will not meet or communicate with either one of them ever again. You will not communicate with anyone about Chernobyl ever again. You will remain so immaterial to the world around you that when you finally do die, it will be exceedingly hard to tell that you ever lived at all.”

***

From a distance, he saw Legasov being escorted by the agents, Khomyuk and Shcherbina watching.

When the car passed Shcherbina, he didn’t miss the look the man gave to the speeding car.

_No goodbyes._

“Tell Comrade Shcherbina, the deputy chairman of the KGB needs to have a word with him.”

“Yes sir.”

It’s time.

***

“What is your role in Legasov’s testimony today?”

“Answer mine first, Comrade Charkov. What will happen to Legasov?”

“This is not a pleasantry talk, comrade. This is an interrogation. Answer my question.”

“Tell me first where are you taking him. Then I will answer your question.”

Charkov smiled.

“Legasov will be fine, physically speaking. Now, answer me, Comrade Shcherbina.”

Shcherbina eyes him with unmasked hatred. _Good. You finally came out of your shell._

“You are punishing him.”

“Yes.”

“For what? Telling the truth? All of us are alive right now, not scuttering away due to nuclear accident going out of hand because of him! And this is how you repay him?! Is this how the system works, punishing men for telling the truth which could save million of lives?!”

“You of all people should know how the system works, _Boris._ You could’ve told him this, yet, he chose to tell the truth and play a hero. Who was he kidding, he is one of us, he always has been. He is nothing but a man who forgot who he is. I wonder, if you ever told him the repercussions of his testimony today, or you left him on his own devices. I told you, Boris. _Keep your pet on a leash.”_

Boris Shcherbina is a powerful man. Yet, in front of the KGB and its deputy chairman, he is just a man.

A dying man, who got nothing to lose.

Or did he already lost it?

“How dare you!”

Charkov has had enough of waiting.

“You will not tell me what is your role with Legasov’s testimony today? Fine. Tell me, what is the nature of your relationship with him?”

The anger seem to deflate away from him. Yet his eyes remain wide, red _with unshed tears._

_You wept for him?_

“What do you mean?”

“What is the nature of your relationship with Valery Legasov?”

The tears came. But Boris Shcherbina, career Party man, the Ukranian bull, as dubbed by the General Secretary himself, didn’t let it fall.

“Are you weeping for today’s state of affairs, comrade? Or are you weeping for him?”

“What have you done with him?”

“The just punishment for his betrayal to the State. He will be erased.”

Shcherbina looked ready to murder him. But something made him stop. It must be his eyes.

_Undead, uncaring. All for the State._

“Legasov will be erased. No one will remember him. He will not talk to anyone ever again, and that includes you. Everything he worked for, for Chernobyl, will be credited to other people, lesser than him. His legacy will be someone’s else’s. His name will never be uttered in any place in Soviet Union again. Whatever he said today, will not be disseminated to the press. The man Valery Legasov will cease to exist starting this day.”

“HOW DARE YOU DO THIS!”

Shcherbina’s roar may have scared the common man away, but for Charkov, after all, he didn’t became the deputy chairman of the KGB for nothing.

_The answer that I need._

“What is the nature of your relationship with Legasov?” _Calm. Untethered._

Shcherbina’s anger fled. He now just looks confused, and lost.

  


“He’s, he’s just a man who I worked for. He’s the one who fixed Chernobyl.”

As the words were uttered by Shcherbina, the tears finally came flowing.

Charkov stared dispassionately at him.

_Eyes dead. All for the State._

  


“What role did you play in Legasov’s testimony today?”

“Nothing. I didn’t know what he would say. I did tell him what would happen if he did break against protocol, it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t--”

Charkov knocked on the door.

Shcherbina is now looking at his hands, as if it holds all the answers the universe wants him to know. Crying. A broken man.

_Disgraceful._

The door opened.

“Fix yourself up, comrade. You still have work to do for the State. Or else you want to spend the remaining years of your life in conversion therapy.”

He left Shcherbina in the room. He already knows the answer, the moment he saw him as the car with Legasov in it sped past them.

He just needs vocal confirmation.

  


After all, the KGB always listens.

***

Statecraft. Legasov never learned it. Shcherbina does, but abandoned it for a man who was promised to fix Chernobyl. And then turned his back to the people. Charkov knows it, Gorbachev knows it, and they will keep on doing it.

Whatever Charkov knows about Shcherbina and Legasov, will remain with him as ammunition. Something to keep Shcherbina in line, to remind him of what he could lose if he dares to cross it.

Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina will continue to serve the Party until the General Secretary sees fit. Charkov will let it happen, for the good of the State, and her interests.

He and Legasov are nothing. Legasov never existed, so, Shcherbina never loved _a man._

  
  
Statecraft. _Lies._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Goddamnit, Charkov. Stop making powerplay look cool and good. You're making my bois suffer. ~me torn between choking the life out of him or being in awe of how he wields his power.~*
> 
> I cannot promise when the final chap will be out, as I will be swallowed by hell here in earth in the form of Finals week. But please, hold on. The final person who will take the stage will have their time. I know some of you probably have an idea who it is. 
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Please shout out abuse at me at the comments or at Tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> Till then, paalam muna.
> 
> *skitters away*
> 
> Pps: please wish your local gurl a good luck (I need lots of it so I can finally pass this one goddamn subject to finally be able to graduate). Sksksks. Thank you so much! 😊😂😢


	5. "To hell with our lives"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Again, this concerns the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed still because I don't want to be a bother.
> 
> I apologize for the long hiatus! This chapter took a while because so many things did go down the past few days. But at least I can all share you the good news, and that is this mess of a woman is finally getting her degree.
> 
> Enough about me. Time for the fic.
> 
> Here y'all go!

5\. Ulana Yuriyvna Khomyuk

Being a woman in a world dominated and ruled by men could be _exhausting_ and a constant road to _proving oneself._ Since being named as the chief nuclear physicist at the Byelorussian Institute of Nuclear Energy, Ulana has been breaking borders left and right. Between women and science, and between science and politics. If the Soviet Union wants them to do their jobs properly, it means that they have to give them everything they need, and when the time comes, they have to respect and trust the confirmations coming out from their studies. 

But at the end of it all, she is just human. She gets tired. So she face-planted herself into the cushion in her desk as soon she sat in her office late at night, the plants surrounding her, seemingly like a protective shield from the window. And she slept. She forgot about the radio still on since that morning, playing softly in the background.

***

A small paper bag was put down near her head.

“Hm”. _Morning already? How long have I been out?_

Ulana woke slowly, noticing Dmitri's face from a distance, looking at her. He placed his thermos in front, hoping to speed up her waking up process.

_Right. People. Interaction. Well, he’s not that bad, once I got to know him._

“You work too hard.”

_Alright._

“Where is everyone?”

“They refused to come in. It’s a Saturday.”

“Why did you come in?”

“I work too hard.”

_He’s fine._

The moment Dmitri opened the windows, Ulana’s life sprang again into action.

***

She truly appreciates Dmitri. The man never backs down and is used to her speedy monologues. Although there are times that he may be a bit late in catching up on, at least he tries. And she knows that the man admires her skills, and looks beyond gender.

She thrust the spectrometer printout at him. She can see his mind whirring.

“Iodine 131. It's not military. It's uranium decay. U-235.”

“Reactor fuel.”

His face blanches. _Right._

“Ignalina. Maybe 240 kilometers away.”

Ignalina didn’t give them the answer. But the silent line of Chernobyl may have given them one.

***

“I am here about Chernobyl.”

It's amazing how a few lines, when uttered by a scientist, can change a whole man’s demeanor. 

***

“Yes, very good, there has been an accident at Chernobyl, but I have been assured there is no problem.”

“I'm telling you there is.”

_Believe me! I am a scientist and I know what I am talking about._

_Yet._

“I prefer my opinion to yours.”

Ulana bit down the inside of her cheeks to prevent another snide remark from getting out.

But it did get out.

“I'm a nuclear physicist. Before you were Deputy Secretary, you worked in a shoe factory.”

It managed to strike a nerve. But he is a politician. He needs to master the art of recovering from barbs thrown at him in an instant.

“Yes. I worked in a shoe factory. And now I'm in charge.”

_Goddamnit._

***

“Where are you going?”

“Chernobyl.”

She didn’t spare another glance at Dmitri. She needs to go there _now._ She has to tell them. 

If she knew what she would be dealing with, she should have at least took a good, long look at him.

Because the moment she stepped foot in Chernobyl, her life is never the same. 

_Now, I owe him a proper goodbye._

***

If Legasov thinks what he did was smart, he needs to think twice. In another lifetime, or moment, Ulana may have been glad and _giddy_ to point out the things Legasov missed, and rubbed it to his face. But there is no time for gloating or licking up one’s ego. They are both scientists and they both know what is at stake. So she made him see.

Legasov absorbs it all. The other man in the room, _looks like a career Party man_ , sitting across from her and Legasov, has clearly no idea on what is going on. But the moment the horror registers in Legasov’s face, did he realize something is wrong.

_Good. People like him, Party men, politicians. It’s about time you all understand what we are dealing with._

***

“The release of radiation will be severe, and will impact all of Soviet Ukraine, Latvia, Lithuania and Byelorussia, as well as Poland, Czechoslovakia, Romania, Hungary, and most of East Germany.”

As she speaks, she also sees Legasov making furtive glances at the career Party man who has been with them on-site at Chernobyl. _Boris Shcherbina._

The man is spacing out. His mind is not in the meeting. _Curious. As to why._

Did Legasov do something or said something to him. Or this is his way of dealing with all of it?

Sometimes, Ulana forgets that not all people can be on the same page as her. That people have different levels of sensitivity.

It will also reflect upon how she and Legasov brought up the topic to the three men who would go down in order to open the sluice gate valves. 

Legasov borders on trying to soften the blow, but _they cannot have it now! They need to act! We are running out of time. And time is a crucial thing in all of this._

“They'll be likely dead in a week.”

_There. Just say it._

“We're asking your permission to kill three men.”

***

As they were filing out of the room, the mood somber, she and Legasov noticed Shcherbina being called away by the assistant to the General Secretary. 

Ulana’s curiosity got the better of her.

“Is he alright?”

Legasov turned to him, pure regret upon his face. “It’s my fault.”

_Curious._

_I need to know more._

***

Of course, that matter soon got buried in the more pressing matters in dealing with Chernobyl. _Why did it explode? Why, the equations are correct I assumed all the worst possible case scenarios yet, it is not possible. This is beyond frustrating._

“I've spoken to the director of your institute. He says you're difficult and brutally stubborn. Which I'm hoping for. You're not going to solve this here. Not on paper.”

Ulana looked into Legasov. _Is it?_

“I'm authorizing you to conduct a full inquiry. Begin in Moscow. Hospital Number 6. Talk to everyone who was in the control room that night-- Dyatlov, Akimov, Toptunov-- we need to know exactly what occurred. Moment by moment, decision by decision. No detail is too small. Go now. While they're still alive. Because if we do not find out how this happened-- then it will happen again.”

Ulana stood, determined to finally make it all happen. She will go after the truth. The one thing that will make every ounce of all of this, _make sense. Possible._

“And Khomyuk?”

Ulana managed to spare a glance at Legasov this time, before parting ways.

“Be careful.”

It’s a dangerous game. But it is a game she is willing to play.

_For the truth._

***

She knows that getting answers from Dyatlov is not a walk in the park. The man has a reputation. 

“I'm not a nurse, Comrade Dyatlov. I'm a nuclear physicist.”

“Well then, Comrade Nuclear Physicist, unless you happen to have a butter and caviar sandwich with you, you can get the fuck out of my room.”

_Two can play this game, Comrade Dyatlov._

***

There are times that Ulana Khomyuk forgets that she is just human. She becomes so absorbed in the work to be done, _brutally stubborn,_ that she forgets even her own emotions. Dmitri has always been there to just send a signal for her to slow down, think, _evaluate also yourself, Ulana._

Now, she is alone in this crusade. And she needs to look out for her own.

The only moment when her own feelings first resurfaced during her whole involvement in the Chernobyl debacle is when he finally faced Leonid Fedorovych Toptunov.

“Senior engineer. How old are you.”

“I’m 25.”

_Young. Too young. Too young to die. Too young to be here. Too young to have lost everything._

***

“We did everything right... we did everything right…”

Ulana knows there is now something to haunt her dreams every night. If she ever finds the time to sleep.

***

The woman she pulled out the room winces in pain.

_How could this happen?!_

“People are going to hear! Do you understand? Everyone is going to hear!”

“What is everyone going to hear?”

Ulana turned.

She truly forgets sometimes that she is just human. A woman scientist. Working under the Soviet Union.

***

The dark ceiling of her cell provided some sort of strange comfort to Ulana, as she awaits her judgment. _Are they going to kill me? Or torture out the information from me? Does Valery knows what happened to me? Is he going to let me rot in here, let them have their way with me?_

_Is this the end?_

_I still owe an explanation to Dmitri. To a lot of people. To Valery. He needs to know._

The door opened, and Valery Legasov stepped in. She felt a slight bit of relief. But mostly, she feels numb. 

“Are you alright?”

“They didn’t hurt me. “

It all came crashing down for her. She just wants things to _stop. Even just for a moment._

“You want to stop.”

“Is that a choice I even have?”

_No. I don’t have a choice in this. The truth always compelled them._

“Then you should pursue it. We have to pursue every possibility, no matter how unlikely... and no matter what-- or who-- is to blame.”

After talking to Valery, Ulana’s world shifted a bit. But then, the grief might also have something to do with it.

***

It’s a wonder for many scientists on other countries as to how Soviet ones like her manages to get things done and obtain the knowledge she needs, when almost all are stripped off, or recorded as confidential.

“She can have that one.”

Ulana fights down the frustration. Arguing will not get her anywhere. 

“Thank you, comrade.”

***

“You think the right question will get you the truth? There is no truth. Ask the bosses whatever you want. You will get the lie. And I will get the bullet.”

_I cannot give up now. Maybe I am looking at the wrong place for an answer to the missing parts of this article._

***

Ulana slowly climbed the stairs, absorbed what the building used to be before time caught up on it. She soon found out Valery and Shcherbina waiting for her.

“I'm sorry for all this. But we needed to speak to you without…”

Ulana looked at Shcherbina. She understood. She immediately turned to Valery. _Maybe he is the answer I need after all._

And he is going to Vienna.

_How quaint._

“What are they asking you to do?”

“Tell the world what happened.”

“Well, you better know what happened.”

As the conversation went on, what comes out, what Valery tells them, Ulana cannot prepare herself for. 

_The truth may sound great and beautiful, but when it finally hits you, it is not beautiful anymore._

_It just, hurts. And leaves you feeling hollow._

***

“So it is their fault?”

“Yes.”

“But not only their fault.”

“No.”

It seems like even in this scenario, Valery Legasov will always be the man who knows everything. Still the smartest man in the room. Ulana should’ve known better. 

“And is that what you're going to say? In Vienna? Valery, you have to tell the truth. All of it.”

“You can’t possibly be that naive.”

Ulana turned to Shcherbina.

Since when did he become Valery’s spokesperson? She glanced between them. Fixed Shcherbina an icy stare.

_I only signed up to argue with Valery._

“There are 16 RBMK reactors running right now in the Soviet Union. We have to fix them, and the only way to make that happen is to go public. In Vienna, in the West, and force the Central Committee to take action.”

“What you are proposing is that Legasov humiliate a nation that is obsessed with not being humiliated.”

Ulana can feel his anger towards her. _There are more at stake. I am not afraid of you._

“We can make a deal with the KGB. You leave this information out in Vienna, and they quietly allow us to fix the remaining reactors.”

_What?_

Ulana suppressed a sarcastic laugh. 

“A deal with the KGB. And I’m naive.”

“Valery, they will go after your friends, your family--”

_Enough with these threats! We’ve been silenced for far too long._

“You have a chance to talk to that world, Valery. If that chance was mine--.”

Shcherbina turns to her. Unyielding. Angry. Hatred. 

_Is he doing this to protect the government he stands for? Or for Valery? Ulana never understood. She wants to understand now, so she can react in the most appropriate way and use the necessary methods or tactics._

“But it isn't, is it. I have known braver souls than you, Khomyuk. Men who had their moment and did nothing, because when it is your life and the lives of everyone you love, your moral conviction doesn't mean a damn thing. It leaves you. And all you want in that moment is not to be shot.”

_Are you the one afraid of getting shot? Or are you afraid of Valery getting that bullet?_

Ulana would have cared less. But her curiosity is piqued. Since the first day, she became part of this commission. 

There is nothing greater than a scientist who desires nothing but the answer.

She has to fight for that truth. And figure out Shcherbina and Valery.

“To hell with our lives. To hell with your deal. Someone has to start telling the truth.”

_I will find it out!_

***

Ulana walked away from them, keen to present the facade of someone walking away after having the final say in an argument. She was already at the foot of the stairs, making sure her footsteps sound fading away, when quiet voices from above reached her ears.

Quietly, she went up to the stairs again, and from a secluded vantage point, scanned the room for Valery and Shcherbina. She soon found the two men in the same position Valery was standing on the moment Ulana stormed out of the room. She lowered herself so neither the scientist or the career Party man can notice her. 

She feels that the answer she is looking for will not be handed to her on a silver platter right in front of her. Whatever answer she desires to know, will have to be uncovered. From the shadows. 

_Just like finding out the truth here in the Soviet Union._

Valery and Shcherbina are talking.

Ulana has to strain her ears and slow down her thunderous heartbeat _what am I even doing here? Intruding on them. Shcherbina could have me arrested. But Valery wouldn’t allow that. But I need to find out why. Is Shcherbina afraid for himself? Or for Valery?_

_Brutally stubborn._

“Borja.”

The softly exhaled name already caught Ulana off-guard. _Did he?_

“I know I cannot stop you when your mind is already set, Valera. One of the things I should've known better about you. Our working relationship would have been much easier at the start if I figured out that one about you.”

_Valera? Are they already friends?_

“Honestly, Borja, I don’t know what to do.”

Valery looked upon Shcherbina. Who is standing mere feet from him. 

“You’ll do what must be done, Valera. Think about it for as long as you need to. No matter what happens, I am here with you. I will not let you out alone. We are in this together.”

Shcherbina finally took Valery in his arms. Then, there’s no other sound, but the ragged breaths from Valery. Shcherbina rubs his back.

“Shhh. Valera, I am here. I am not leaving you.”

The taller man pressed a light kiss to Valery’s hair.

Ulana’s eyes widened. She clamped a gloved hand to her mouth to prevent a noisy exhale coming out from her. She immediately turned around, and ran back down the stairs, careful not to make a noise.

When the cold air outside finally caressed her face, she felt like she has woken up from an age-old dream. A restless sleep. 

Her eyes become glassy all of a sudden. But she kept her mouth in a firm line.

_There are definitely now more at stake._

***

Ulana thought twice about what she saw back then at the abandoned building. The last time she saw Valery and Shcherbina. She wants to think her eyes betrayed her, but no. She knew what she saw. And now she also knows that the list of what is at stake just got longer. 

_When I set myself out there, searching, what am I fighting for? Just for that truth?_

Ulana held the bag containing the notebooks tighter.

_Or am I fighting for those men? Toptunov, Akimov, Ignatenko, Lyudmilla, Zinchenko, countless others._

The image of Valery clutching into Shcherbina for dear life, and the other man also close to losing it flashed through Ulana’s mind.

_For Valery? For Shcherbina? For them?_

She knocked on the door.

***

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I am brutally stubborn. Which you are hoping for.”

It will take more than words to convince Valery. She put out all those notebooks she managed to write down, interviewing countless others. People, who are now more or less dead due to Chernobyl.

_There are definitely now more at stake._

“They will shoot me, Khomyuk.”

_“Shhh. Valera, I am here. I am not leaving you.”_

Ulana forced her mind back to the present. _Sentiment, will not get us the reforms we need._

“You told me to find out what happened. I talked to dozens of people. Every word they said, wrote down. All in these books. These are the ones who are still alive. These are the ones who are dead. They died rescuing each other. Putting out fires. Tending to the wounded. They didn't hesitate. They didn't waver. They simply did what had to be done.”

“So have I. I went willingly to an open reactor. I've also given my life. Is that not enough?”

_“You’ll do what must be done, Valera. Think about it for as long as you need to. No matter what happens, I am here with you. I will not let you out alone. We are in this together.”_

Ulana’s eyes harden. Volatile emotions will all throw them back into the abyss. Or can lead them to the path to change and development. Valery is the one who holds the scales to balance. She needs him to go the right side.

_At least, do it for him._

“I’m sorry. But it is not.”

***

Ulana took a deep breath, put her hands in the pockets of her blouse.

_It’s time. Shcherbina already laid the groundwork. I will lay down the asphalt._

_Valery Legasov will be the hammer that will put solidify the road, if he chooses to._

She faces the jury.

“To understand what happened that night, we have to look back ten hours earlier.”

_I wish I can be the one who will tell the truth and lose it all._

_But it has to be him._

***

The moment Shcherbina started coughing beside him, she saw Valery’s eyes traveling towards their direction.

Shcherbina stood up and made his exit to the room. Valery’s eyes following his movements.

How did Ulana know? He was watching Valery in turn.

“Court is now in recess. Thirty minutes.”

***

Ulana has no idea where Shcherbina went. And Valery was gone and she also has no idea where to.

***

It took Ulana three seconds to finally see Valery’s face from behind Shcherbina. She took a long look at him.

_He did it._

She looked at Shcherbina. Then back to Valery.

_He succeeded where I failed._

Ulana adjusted her blouse.

_It was him._

“Comrade Legasov.”

***

“Legasov's already given it away. He said before there was no way to avoid what was coming. He knows something. She knows something.”

Ulana refused to meet Dyatlov’s eyes. 

“I know what you are, Valery Alexeyevich. You're a liar. You're a liar and a coward.”

She felt Shcherbina shifted in his seat.

“We've heard enough for today. The defendants will be remanded to custody. Court will--”

“I haven’t finished.”

Ulana’s breath got stuck in her throat.

“I have more evidence to give.”

“It is not necessary.” _Stepashin, you!_ “Your testimony is concluded. Your honor.”

“Court is now adjourned. We will resume tomorrow with--”

“Let him finish!”

Ulana felt a slight breeze at her right. The moment Shcherbina stands.

Valery’s face is a myriad of emotions.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

“Let him finish.”

The show continues. 

_If they go down, they will go down together._

_How poetic._

Valery took a long look at Shcherbina.

Ulana can feel her chest constrict.

***

_“_ I've already trod on dangerous ground. We're on dangerous ground right now. Because of our secrets and our lies. They are practically what defines us. When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we cannot even remember it's there. But it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, the debt is paid.”

Ulana feels as if her chest would explode. 

_The time has finally come._

_Valery Legasov, in all his glory, and beauty, defying the State._

“That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies.”

_It was all for him._

_And it wasn’t enough._

***

Ulana felt the whole world crashing down. _Is it really all over? Did we truly fail? Wasn’t everything enough?_

She glanced at Boris _Boris. Since when did he become Boris inside my head. Maybe since the moment he stood up for Valery._

Boris, who after all, is the one who _mattered the most._ Yet, wasn’t enough.

But for Valery, he is.

_Like a poetic, tragic, love story._

Ulana didn’t hold back the tears now forming inside her eyes.

As soon as Valery walked out the building, then led to the car, soon speeding away from both her and Boris, Ulana let the tears fall. 

_What are they going to do to him?_

_What have I done to him?_

_What have I done to them?_

Ulana can only stare mournfully at the car disappearing through the road. She was weeping. Weeping for the truth, the horror of it all, for Valery, for Boris.

_For them._

_Did I do this to them?_

_If I did, then forgive me, Valery. Forgive me._

Boris soon turned to her.

His eyes were red-rimmed. They are all mourning for what transpired. For the injustice. For Valery.

“Charkov will question you, for sure. And he will put you under constant surveillance.”

His voice sounded monotone. Broken. Flat. _Lifeless._

“I assume you know what you will be doing?”

Ulana looked at him.

There is a mixture of emotions in Boris’ eyes. 

“Are you angry at me?”

Out of all the questions she could be asking this man right now, that was the first one she blurted out. _Priorities, Ulana._

Boris never managed to answer her. He was then led away by KGB agents. Ulana can only watch again, helplessly, as another of her _friend? Friends? Are they my friends?_ be taken away from her. 

_I am here because I am brutally stubborn._

_Which you were hoping for._

***

When the tapes managed to find their way to Ulana’s hands, she held back the tears. _Valery is dead! Gone! And he thinks he didn’t do enough!_ It's a miracle she was able to hold herself back then.

There is still more work to be done. A lot of it.

_Brutally stubborn._

The fight doesn’t stop. Not even when Valery was led away from them during the trial. Or through the news of Valery’s death. It will never be over. Until they finally got what they all been asking for the whole time.

Reform. Change. The time to hide is over.

_For you, Valery. For both of you._

***

Ulana Khomyuk held Boris Shcherbina’s hand during Valery Legasov’s funeral. The career Party man still continued to serve under the State, as Gorbachev has seen fit. It clearly took a toll on him, so does the news of Valery’s death. She realized that the man is also crying that day. She thought it was just the rainfall that is making her hands wet.

Ulana finally let the tears fall, since the day she held back when she got hold of the tapes. She wept for Valery, for this country, for the souls lost to the disaster. For Boris, for losing the one good thing he managed to salvage from the wreckage Chernobyl has become. 

She only cried harder when he felt Boris’ hand enclose hers.

***

The last time he saw Boris Shcherbina, it was during an event at the Bylorussian Institute. She finally managed to sit down with Dmitri and tell him everything that had happened. As expected, the man helped her through it all, from distributing the tapes, to fighting against the system oppressing them from speaking out the truth about Chernobyl. Ulana finally managed to say that owed goodbye to him. Dmitri only said, “Welcome back.”

The Institute was awarding her for her work during her time as part of the Chernobyl Commission. It was already 5 months since Valery’s funeral. And Boris is not getting any better.

The fight has begun, and the worst is still yet to come.

At least, Ulana knows, she won’t be alone. And as much as she wants Boris by her side when they finally emerge victorious, it might not be the case.

Ulana took a good long look at the man standing beside her, worn down, both from the government and radiation. _Time waits for no one._

They talked quietly, about Valery. Chernobyl. Boris’ current standing inside the Kremlin. Ulana now knows how much of a monster Charkov is.

She wishes she could kill him with her own bare hands, but alas, the world does not always bend down to her whims.

The conversation mellowed down.

“They are sending you at Armenia. To deal with the disaster?”

“They think I can manage any disaster thrown at me now. Just because I managed Chernobyl. Didn’t they all know that much of the work was done by Valera.”

Ulana took a breath.

“Did you love him?”

Boris stiffened beside her. Ulana placed a gentle hand in his shoulder.

“It’s alright. Almost all people can love a dead man who’ve done so much for the State.” She looked into Boris, until his eyes met hers. “But I knew, you loved him before all of us can.”

Boris’ eyes suddenly filled with tears. Ulana’s too, and she smiled through them.

_Back then, all I cared about is work. But Chernobyl made me realize so many things._

“You loved him first.”

***

At the end of it all, she is just human. She lost some things due to Chernobyl. But she gained some things too. She lost Valery Legasov, a good man and a competent scientist. A brilliant mind went before his time. She lost the trust of some of her colleagues. But gained thousand others. She lost Boris Shcherbina. But gained his trust and companionship. Well, until it lasted.

Boris Shcherbina is a career Party man. A kind of man Ulana always found dislikeable back then. Yet, in the end, she soon realized that Boris is more than she gives him credit for. 

They both valued Valery Legasov. But Ulana knows, until her last days, that Boris Shcherbina valued Valery Legasov more than she ever can be.

Because Ulana may have valued Valery for his status, influence, and mind. Boris valued Valery for all of him.

At the end of it all, Boris and Valery are also just human. Men who found themselves thrown in the middle of a disaster. Managed to find something beautiful within it. Burned too brightly to last. Doomed since the beginning.

The small part of Ulana’s romantic mind will always say that the relationship between Boris Shcherbina and Valery Legasov is a tragic and poetic story. They were all human.

  
And humans _fall in love._

She did managed to find it out.

Just like the truth of Chernobyl, _it all left her in pieces._

Chernobyl changed them all. Ulana Khomyuk may have been breaking borders left and right, but in all of this, she is just another casualty. 

So does Valery and Boris. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I LOVE ULANA AND I ASPIRE TO BE AS BADASS AND AS SMART AS SHE IS IN MY FUTURE PROFESSION*.
> 
> The fifth and last character (or is it?) finally took her spot on the stage.
> 
> So, I think the verdict is clear enough? Sksksksk. Or maybe not.
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated. Please shout out abuse at me at the comments or at Tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> stay tuned. looks like the story is not yet over. eep! someone still has something to say.


	6. From the other side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. This work concerns the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed because despite my multiple breakdowns over this fic, I still don't want to be a bother.
> 
> FINALLY! THAT ONE CHAPTER WHICH RAISED THIS FIC'S RATING, THAT ONE CHAPTER THAT TOOK ME LIKE WHAT, MORE THAN SEVEN DAYS TO CREATE. THAT ONE CHAPTER I SPENT SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY RANTING ON TUMBLR (sorry guys, I'll stop with the ranting, and focus more on shitposting and on finishing all my WIPs and on gifsets because I only have a few days left). THAT ONE CHAPTER WHICH TESTED MY PATIENCE AND SANITY, I mean, if you think reading slow-burn is frustrating enough, imagine what it does to the writer. HSHSHSHS. I MEAN, WHAT AM I THINKING WHEN I THOUGHT I SHOULD DO A VALERY LEGASOV POV MY GOD.
> 
> Dedicated to @fmasha-I, who managed to crack the code in the direction this fic is going for, and the first one who brought up the topic of Legasov-POV. You sly devil. And listened through all of my rants. Basically, all of my followers (and the people at the discord of hell) witnessed my breakdowns over this chapter so. 
> 
> Enough ranting. The fic is wordier. I started on page 55 of the document.
> 
> It ended on page 106.
> 
> Here y'all go!

+1 Valery Alexeyevich Legasov

“What is the cost of lies?

It's not that we'll mistake them for the truth. The real danger is that if we hear enough lies, then we no longer recognize the truth at all.

What does matter is that to them, justice was done. Because you see? A just world is a sane world. There is nothing sane about Chernobyl. What happened there, what happened after… even the good we did... all of it... all of it...

Madness.”

_Who would’ve thought I would find someone steady, an anchor, someone to hold onto, in all that madness?_

“I've given you everything I know. They'll try to deny it, the way they always do. Will you prevail? I do not know. I only know you'll do your best to try.”

_Will you remember me?_

Valery Legasov went outside, hid the tapes, then put the trash in the bin. He spent some time staring out the skies. 

_You did fight for me._

Suddenly, Valery’s eyes filled with tears.

_It wasn’t enough. We weren’t enough._

He walked back to his apartment. Saw a pack of cigarettes, took one, and lit it. 

1:20 am.

_Can we go back to the start?_

***

A shrill sound of the telephone. 

That’s where it all started.

“Hello?”

“Valery Legasov?”

“Yes?”

“You are the Legasov who is the First Deputy Director of the Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy?”

“Yes. that’s-- who am I speaking to--?”

“This is Boris Shcherbina, Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers and head of the Bureau for Fuel and Energy. There's been an accident at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.”

“How bad is it?”

“No need to panic. There was a fire. It's mostly put out. The system control tank exploded.”

“Control system tank. Is the core-- ?”

“We've ordered them to continuously pump water.”

“I see. And contamination?”

“Mild. The plant manager, Bryukhanov, is reporting 3.6 roentgen per hour.”

_There is something wrong._

After just a few minutes, he was already verbally sparring with the Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers.

“Legasov. You're on this committee to answer direct questions about the function of an RBMK reactor if they should happen to arise. Nothing else. Certainly not policy. Do you understand?”

“Yes. Of course. I didn't mean to--”

Click. 

_Rude._

He should've seen that as a sign.

***

It’s a miracle Valery managed to stay still the moment the numbers and descriptions on the report started to connect the dots inside his head. It was also a miracle that he entered the room containing the most powerful men and women in the Soviet Union not outright panicking, met the eyes of one Boris Shcherbina, and even let the meeting adjourned.

_Well, not that one._

“No!”

“Pardon me?”

“We can’t adjourn.”

He saw the murderous glare Shcherbina was giving him. If looks could kill, he wouldn’t have survived that day alone.

“This is Professor Legasov of the Kurchatov Institute. Professor, if you have a concern, feel free to address it with me. Later.”

_No. I cannot._

“I can’t.”

_They need to know!_

And that is how Valery Legasov found himself talking back to both the Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers, and to the General Secretary himself.

“Professor Legasov. There is no place for alarmist hysteria in this room.”

“It's not alarmist if it's a fact!”

“I don't hear any facts at all.”

_Oh god. What did I do?_

“All I hear is a man I don't know engaging in conjecture-- in direct contradiction of what has been reported by Party officials.”

Valery swallowed. He can do this. He can do this right this time.

“I apologize. I didn't mean-- may I express my concern as calmly and respectfully as I can?”

It was a start, at least.

***

“I want you to go to Chernobyl. Look at the reactor. You personally. Report directly back to me.”

“A wise decision. I’ll depart at once.”

“And take Legasov with you.”

Valery froze. So does Shcherbina. _I’m sorry, what?_

“Forgive me, Comrade General- Secretary, but--”

“Do you know how a nuclear reactor works, Boris Evdokimovich?”

“No.”

“Then how will you know what you're looking at?”

Valery found himself engaged in a staring match with Shcherbina.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

***

Valery tried hard to keep up with Shcherbina’s pace. The noise of the helicopter blurs in his mind, and soon enough, they fly out of Moscow and into Chernobyl. He was in between two soldiers, while Shcherbina was comfortably lounging in his chair by the window.

_How can he be so goddamn calm?_

“How does a nuclear reactor work?”

“What?”

“It’s a simple question.”

“It’s hardly a simple answer.”

“Of course-- you presume I'm too stupid to understand. So I'll restate. Tell me how a nuclear reactor works, or I'll have one of these soldiers throw you out of this helicopter.”

_Asshole career Party men._

***

Much to Valery’s surprise, Boris is actually a fast learner. He soon got the gist of how an RBMK reactor core works. For some, the concept might take a while to absorb, but Shcherbina managed it in a span of a few minutes.

Valery was already amazed at the contrast this man is presenting, but of course, Shcherbina is always there to destroy it.

“Good. I know how a nuclear reactor works. Now I don't need you.”

_Ruined._

***

In all retrospect, Valery should not have used his name, but he was running out of options of getting his attention and preventing him, his own self, the soldiers, and the poor scared pilot of bringing them overhead into their own deaths.

“Get us directly over the building.”

“Boris--”

“Don’t use my name!”

In a normal circumstance, Valery would have cowered over that voice, but there are more important things at risk. He has to stand his ground.

“--if we fly directly over an open reactor core-- --we'll be dead within a week. Dead!”

“I have my orders from General-Secretary Gorbachev. You have your orders from me. Get us over the reactor core, or I'll have you shot.”

_Goddamnit!_

“If you fly over the core, I promise you-- by tomorrow morning, you'll be begging for that bullet.”

The pilot sees the panic in his voice, and decided to trust it more. The helicopter swerves sharply, Valery finding himself tumbling towards Shcherbina.

He expects that the other man will push him off as soon as he tumbles toward him, but he found two strong arms enveloping him, and gently guided him back to his seat.

_This man will never fail to amaze me with his contrasts._

***

He would never have thought that the words _neutron flux moderator, words that I just uttered to him a while ago_ , will be falling off from Shcherbina’s lips in front of Pikalov, Bryukhanov, and Fomin. 

It is happening right now. And he was basically dressing down Bryukhanov and Fomin in his own way as possible.

“I understand. You think Legasov is wrong. So-- how shall we prove it?”

It was when Pikalov spoke up, after meeting Valery’s eyes briefly.

“Our high-range dosimeter just arrived. We could cover one of our trucks with lead shielding, mount the dosimeter on the front…”

Valery noticed Shcherbina looking at him. Asking for approval. He nods. _First time._

“Have one of your men drive as close to the fire as he can, and give him every bit of protection you have. But understand-- even with the lead shielding-- it may not be enough.”

He soon notices the conviction in the general’s eyes.

_Brave men, in the face of a disaster they do not fully understand._

“Then I’ll do it myself.”

***

“It’s not three roentgen. It’s fifteen thousand.”

_The sentence has been lifted._

Valery was expecting Shcherbina to swiftly address an evacuation, that number is high, _high enough, it’s alarming and dangerous!_ But the man soon began questioning him how to put out the fire. And not even mentioning a single thing about evacuating Pripyat.

“I am in charge here! This will go much easier if you talk to me about things you DO understand, and do NOT talk to me about things you do NOT understand.”

Then he just walks away. _What? Just like that?_

“Where are you going?”

“I'm going to get you five thousand tons of sand and boron!”

_What now?_

“There is a hotel.”

It was all surreal.

***

The moment Valery lied to the couple back at the hotel, he knows, there is no turning back.

***

Hearing a helicopter fall out from the air is something that will haunt Valery’s dreams tonight. If he ever manages to find sleep.

“Legasov, is there another way to do this?”

_No._

He left him alone. For that, Valery was grateful. 

***

Of course, the act of kindness from Shcherbina will not excuse his ignorance, Valery continued to fight for his point in evacuating Pripyat. 

“He's a medical doctor. If he says it's safe, it's safe.”

“Not if they stay here.”

“We're staying here…”

“Yes we are. And we'll be dead in five years.”

Shcherbina looks like as if Valery punched him square in the jaw.

_Is this how you repay the fact he left you alone to organize your thoughts? By spitting the cold hard truth in his face? You could’ve at least tried to tone it down._

“I'm-- I'm sorry, I didn't--”

The phone ringing broke the small bubble that seemingly formed, enclosing them, something Valery didn’t know how in the world it came to be.

But even in the face of cold, hard truths, it is still the ideal way to spur a man into action. Valery is torn between rejoicing in the fact he said that out loud to Shcherbina’s face, or be guilty for the effect it had on him.

***

Ulana Khomyuk came into their lives as fast and as unexpected like the disaster of Chernobyl happening. Valery was still stunned when Khomyuk started rattling off facts about the dropping of sand and boron into the reactor core. Valery was able to recover fast enough to rebut and answer her queries, they soon engaged in a discussion which can alter the fates of not only them, but of millions of people.

In the midst of Valery’s horrified expression for the realization of what is yet to come, he found himself drifting and meeting Shcherbina’s eyes.

The man’s eyes reflect the same fear he has, but underneath it, is something else.

Valery Legasov put it there.

***

“Professor Legasov will deliver our briefing.”

Valery noticed Gorbachev’s surprised expression, despite the General Secretary’s movement made to conceal the emotion.

_Forgive me._

Khomyuk assisted in him delivering the doomsday news to all the people present in the boardroom. He cannot find himself tp say what is awaiting the three men who will go down in the basement, so it was also her who delivered the ungodly news.

_I can’t. I cannot do this, for the second time. After seeing what it has done to a man such as Shcherbina, can I even say it?_

Valery is left with no choice, Khomyuk’s eyes imploring him to spit it out.

_You are a scientist, Legasov!_

“We’re asking for your permission to kill three men.”

_I am sorry._

***

“Is he alright?”

Valery followed Khomyuk’s line of sight, and sees Shcherbina being led by the assistant to the General Secretary, probably to his office.

“It’s my fault.”

_Forgive me, I could’ve handled it better._

***

“But I am making my peace with it. You make yours. And go into the water. Because it must be done.”

Valery started seeing again a different man, during that whole speech. Sometimes, Valery thinks he needs something to stand or to hold onto.

The whiplashes he is experiencing in witnessing contrasts from his initial assessment of Shcherbina is giving him both a headache and a sense of awe.

_Careful, Legasov. You are treading on dangerous waters. Just like those divers._

***

He watched the three men go. Now he doesn’t know if he should allow himself to hope for their return, or expect the worst.

When the banging from the other side came, the three divers emerging, alive, joyous, and well enough, Shcherbina clapping at them, Valery still couldn’t allow himself the emotion to run through his veins.

There is no such thing as joy. Or relief. There is only dread. And defeat. Even if they emerged victorious.

“Look. Look at our boys!”

_Our?_

“Get them to the doctors.”

He didn’t mean to be rude, or to walk away, but he just can’t. He just hopes that Shcherbina would give him this, just like the first time around.

***

Valery was expecting that after the success of the three divers, the somber mood inflicted by his own words yesterday, would initially dampen the hostility that is between him and the career Party man, but of course, he should’ve known better.

_You should know than to hope for something like that, Legasov!_

“It was decided.”

“Based on WHAT?”

“I don’t know.”

“Forgive me. Maybe I've spent too much time in my lab. Or maybe I'm stupid. But is this really how it all works? An uninformed, arbitrary decision that will cost who knows how many lives is made by some apparatchik? Some career Party man?”

He wasn’t prepared for what comes after his outburst.

_He never fails to surprise me._

“I am a career Party man. You should mind your tone, Comrade Legasov.”

Valery didn’t have enough time to mull over the calculated response given to him by Shcherbina. They got more pressing matters to deal with.

_The meltdown has begun._

***

Valery wanted to slam the phone down the desk, but he couldn’t risk Shcherbina being enraged again, or for Gorbachev to notice something is amiss, so he gave the first minutes of the call for the older man.

“Whatever you need, you have it. That should be clear by now. Is there anything else?”

“My apologies. No. Thank you for--”

_That’s it!_

“Yes. I wanted to address the 30 kilometer exclusion zone--”

“What exclusion zone? Is that Legasov? What are you-- ?”

He can feel Shcherbina’s immediate urge to strangle him.

_Looks like we are never better than when we first started._

“Legasov, you are there for one purpose, do you understand? To make this stop. I don't want questions. I want to know when this will be over.”

_Ha! Do you think you can just bury all of these to the ground?_

“If you mean, when will Chernobyl be completely safe, the half-life of Plutonium-239 is 24,000 years. Perhaps we should just say, "Not within our lifetimes." “

The line went dead.

“I think you and I should take a walk.”

_What? Why?_

“It's late. I'm tired.”

“We're taking a walk.”

Valery resisted the urge to rub his hand to his face, again, _god._

***

The walk was peaceful, well, as what someone can probably have in what used to be a bustling town, full of life, now just a skeleton of what it used to be. A ghost town, littered with abandoned animals left behind by their owners who thought this was all just a temporary affair.

It was quiet, until Shcherbina asked him what is going to happen to the divers. To them.

“We've gotten a steady dose, but much less of it. Not strong enough to kill the cells, but consistent enough to damage the DNA. In time... cancer. Or aplastic anemia. Either way, fatal.”

_No mincing words. He is probably used to me, as of now._

“Well. In a sense, it would seem we've gotten off easily then... Valery.”

Valery’s breath was stuck to his throat.

_Did he call me?_

Shcherbina nods to his head to the left. Was that a signal?

He soon sees familiar faces. But now, Valery’s impression of them changes.

“Now you know why I wanted to take a walk. Obviously the work site is bugged. But I suspect our rooms as well.”

“I've seen them before. They've been here the whole time.”

Boris sighs. _Can I call him Boris now? Will he not explode in a fit of rage if I do?_

“Of course they've been here the whole time. If we're seeing them out in the open now-- it's because they want us to know.”

He and Boris walked on. Side by side. Nothing consequential in the eyes of the KGB.

***

Valery hopes that the stubbornness that seemed to be missing in him from time to time will be found somewhere else. He found it in the face of a woman, Ulana Khomyuk. _Smart, brutally stubborn, beautiful._

_Yet._

“I'm authorizing you to conduct a full inquiry. Begin in Moscow. Hospital Number 6. Talk to everyone who was in the control room that night-- Dyatlov, Akimov, Toptunov-- we need to know exactly what occurred. Moment by moment, decision by decision. No detail is too small. Go now. While they're still alive. Because if we do not find out how this happened-- then it will happen again.”

She is intrigued. And determined. Good. We need her. _I need her._

“Be careful.”

Valery watched Ulana as she left Chernobyl. Off to search for the answers that will shed some light into the darkness this disaster is shrouded into. _She is just like me, albeit more pressing and confident._

_And yet._

Valery went towards the exit of the building, intending to have a smoke. Despite having a conversation with Ulana awhile ago, and feeling a sense of worry for what she is about to do, there is one thing (or more precisely, a person) still occupying his head.

_He never leaves._

***

“I’m not good at this, Boris. The lying.”

_I can finally say his name._

“Have you ever spent time with miners?”

“No.”

“My advice? Tell the truth. These men work in the dark. They see everything.”

_Curious. Why not tell a lie this time?_

***

Valery cannot find the energy to admire Boris smiling at him, because there are so many things running in his head right now, and his hands are trembling, _is Boris carrying a bottle of vodka?_

“It's out, Valera! And the miners are making incredible progress. They say the whole job will be finished in four weeks. Four, can you believe it?”

Valery stares blankly at the list he made, the sound of vodka hitting the glass a blur to his ears. But not Boris’ voice.

_Never his voice. I can recognize it anywhere._

“I know the job isn't over. But it's the beginning of the end.”

Valery took a look at Boris.

_You cannot possibly be that serious?_

The smile fades off Boris’ face.

_Forgive me again, Boris._

***

“When this is over-- will we be taken care of?”

“I do not know.”

_When did Boris ever learn to say the truth? Probably here. With me._

***

The grandeur of the Kremlin always bring a headache to Valery. He doesn't know if its because of the radiation finally getting to him, or the lights, or everything else, _I just want it all to stop._

“Khomyuk was arrested last night.”

_How can he be so calm?!_

“What? Why?”

“I don't know.”

“Was it-- ?”

“Of course it was. I'm working on it.”

“Boris, I can't--”

_Can’t what? Do all this? Function like how the Kremlin wants him to be? Do this without Ulana? Can’t bear to have Boris staring down at him?_

“I'm working on it. What else do you want from me?”

Valery’s thoughts went on a short circuit at the question.

_What do I want? I want you to--_

“Fix your tie, for god's sake.”

The moment was broken, again.

***

“Lastly, Professor Legasov and I have been vigilant to protect the security interests of the State. Since the unfortunate release of information directly following the accident, we believe there has been no further lapse. Comrade Charkov, we hope we have lived up to the highest standards of the KGB.”

He felt Boris’ hand behind him.

Valery fought the urge to blush. This is a serious meeting, for god sakes!

“You have.”

Charkov caught him staring. He quickly averted his eyes. The man is giving him quite an impression. And definitely not a good one.

Valery stands. The long war has begun.

***

“You are First Deputy Chairman of the KGB.”

“I am! That's why I don't have to bother with arresting people anymore.”

“But you are bothering to have your people follow me.”

He is determined to get Ulana from this man, he is willing to break borders. _Forgive me again for this, Boris. I have to._

Boris made a move to placate him. But Charkov was faster.

“No, no, it's perfectly understandable. Comrade, I know you've heard the stories about us. When I hear them, even I am shocked. But we're not what people say. Yes, people are following you. People are following those people. And you see them? They follow me. The KGB is a circle of accountability. Nothing more.”

“You know the job we're doing. Do you really not trust us?”

“Of course I do! But you know the old Russian proverb: "Trust, but verify." And the Americans think Ronald Reagan came up with that! Can you imagine? It was very nice speaking with you.”

“I need her.”

Boris shifted in his side.

“So you will be accountable for her?”

_Yes._

“Then it's done.”

“Her name is--”

“I know who she is. Good day, professor.”

Valery released a breath he didn’t know he was holding for so long. He slowly turned to Boris, mentally preparing himself for the incoming anger. But his face is just, stunned.

“No, that went surprisingly well. You came off like a naive idiot. Naive idiots aren't a threat.”

If he was a little delusional, he thought he could hear _fondness_ in Boris’ voice.

_What I am thinking?_

***

Seeing Ulana unharmed was a relief. But her face is anything far from the emotion. Valery spent time and made sure that Ulana understood what is at stake. Ulana is confused, gears are turning inside his head. 

What he soon realizes when he connected the dots is far horrific, he didn’t have the courage to tell Ulana, yet.

“I'll go back to the hospital now and reinterview Akimov and Toptunov... if they're still awake.”

“They are not.”

Ulana silently, and placidly grieves for the lives lost. Valery just stares upward, hoping that he is wrong at all costs.

_But no. There is nothing here now, but to let the truth uncover itself._

***

Valery stared at the sunlight entering his room, fifth cigarette in hand. _Already morning. Time flies when your own life is falling apart._

He became transfixed at a point between the window and the flooring, suddenly, the person who always sit at the recesses of his mind emerged, intent on being seen.

Valery rubbed his forehead.

_This is not right. I cannot be. He cannot be the one._

The cigarette smoke burned his lungs, he inhaled harder, hoping it will drive away the traitorous thoughts his mind is keen on forming.

_Please, why now? Not him, please._

The telephone ringing managed to give him a reprieve from his tumultuous state of mind.

_Not Boris Shcherbina. Not him._

***

Having unnecessary thoughts about the people you work with is indeed a nuisance, so as much as Valery doesn’t want to face the source of all the additional headaches and funny feelings in his stomach, he has to.

He cannot arouse suspicion. Not here. _You of all people know what happens when men get out of their line._

Tarakanov is sitting in front of him. Valery was awfully grateful for the space between him and Boris. His fingers were itching though, so he busied it with showing the pictures of the exposed core.

“Twelve thousand roentgen. If you stood there in full protective gear, head to toe-- you would receive a lifetime dose in ninety seconds. At two minutes, your life expectancy is cut in half. By three minutes-- you're dead within months. Even the lunar rovers won't work on Masha. That amount of gamma radiation penetrates everything. The particles literally shred the circuits in microchips apart. If it's more complicated than a light switch, Masha will destroy it.”

“I think it's fair to say this piece of roof is the most dangerous place on the planet.”

Valery didn’t find solace in Boris’ deep voice. 

“So. What do we do?”

“That's what we were going to ask you.”

***

Valery spent nearly much of the time his head is spacing out due to the number of things running around it at speeds so fast enough, when he cannot keep up, he just stares out. He stares out, not at his notes, where he hopes would provide the answer to how to resolve Masha, but he finds his eyes drifting to Boris. 

Boris, who is either bent down in his own desk, writing reports, giving order to the soldiers outside, talking to either Tarakanov or Pikalov, or drinking vodka.

At midday.

_Who drinks in the middle of the day? Apparently, he can._

Valery softly chuckled. Good thing he is alone.

He can tune out the noise outside, and find Boris’s voice all the same.

_Anchor._

***

“To think that's what they put on the moon…”

Valery cannot stop himself.

“Well, not that one.”

“I know not that one.”

Valery raised one eyebrow. _Sorry._

Tarakanov filled in the silence. “This rover was in storage, and I'm told they can build two more. That should cover Katya and Nina.”

“And Masha?”

“The Central Committee has informed me they've found something that can work up there. From the outside.”

Valery was surprised. “American?”

“Of course not. No, it's a German police robot. West German, though. You can imagine that wasn't easy.”

They soon watched with bated breath if the robot will work.

_It did!_

Valery smiled. He cannot help himself. He soon realized he was not alone this time.

“Valery? Is that...? Is that a smile?”

Valery ducked his head. _Is he teasing me? Stop. Please don’t._

He didn’t expect for Boris to hold his cheeks, and envelope him in his arms.

For a single second, Valery allowed himself the one emotion he refused to feel since stepping foot that fateful day in the Kremlin.

_Hope._

_And some emotion he was afraid of naming now._

***

All of that went down the drain went “Joker” died on the roof of Masha. 

Boris’ anger is palpable in the air.

***

“GOOD! GOOD, I WANT THEM TO HEAR! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING? THE MEN WE'RE BURNING? BURNING!!!”

Valery lit a cigarette. Resisted the urge to put his face into his hands.

_We are having such progress._

“YOU THINK I CARE? I'M A DEAD MAN! TELL RYZHKOV! TELL LIGACHEV! TELL GORBACHEV! TELL THEM! TELL--”

Valery felt some sense of pity for the phone. _Oh well._

He waited patiently for Boris to catch his breath and footing. It took some time, then he finally spoke to him and Tarakanov.

“The official position of the State is that a global nuclear catastrophe is not possible in the Soviet Union. They told the international community the highest detected level of radiation was 2,000 roentgen. They gave the propaganda number to the Germans. The robot was never going to work.”

_The moment is lost, yet again._

“We need a new phone.”

***

Valery was busy scribbling in his notebook, he has half an ear out for the discussion ongoing between Boris and Tarakanov.

Their ideas get _insane_ as the conversation progresses.

And then, Valery sees the idea. He does not want it. 

_No. no, no, no._

“Biorobots.”

The verbal spar between Boris and Tarakanov stopped. 

“What was that?”

Valery looked at the calculations in his notebook. _There is no other way._

“We use biorobots. Men.”

Boris’ face became even more ashen. Tarakanov took the bottle of vodka from the table and drank straight from it.

***

It was an hour past midnight. Tarakanov long since stood out, slurly saying he will get the manpower needed for Masha, and sullenly walking out of the tent and into his own trailer.

Valery was left with his own notebook full of calculations and hastily scribbled notes, Boris staring at his own glass, thinking as it could provide some sort of comfort or a miracle.

“Get some rest, Valera.”

It was spoken so softly, Valery wouldn’t be able to hear it if he is not paying enough attention to the man.

_How can I even manage to focus on the task at hand, and still have most of my attention tuned into him?_

_How did I let myself fall into his axis? How?_

“No, I cannot.”

“You’ll look like as if you are going to fall over that chair.”

“I can’t!”

Boris looked taken aback. He was not expecting Valery to raise his voice on him. _Oh god._

Valery removed his glasses, rubbed his face, put it on again, turned to Boris.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean.”

“It was wrong of me to presume to know what is best for you. Forgive me, Valera.”

“No, no, no. It’s just that.”

Valery swallowed at the sudden lump at his throat.

Boris was focused on him. His eyes, calculating, deep, _I can get lost in those eyes._

_What are you thinking, Legasov?! Snap out of it!_

“I can’t sleep much these days.”

Boris continued to stare at him. Valery soon flushing at the attention zeroed in him. 

The older man stood, and poured vodka into a glass, and gave it to Valery.

“Not a healthy recommendation, but at least it can dull most of your senses to give you some semblance of sleep.”

Valery stared at him. _I am feeling something for him, yet I can meet his stare directly. Was it because of those eyes?_

“Don’t you worry, you are not drinking alone.”

***

Another hour has passed. They drank, until the bottle was nearly empty, Valery was already feeling a bit shifty, and Boris softening around the edges.

“How come I didn’t meet you sooner, before all of this, Chernobyl?”

Valery smiled. The emotions coming easier now, because of both the vodka and Boris. 

“You should spend some time at Kurchatov. Some people say I practically live there. People like me never leave.”

Boris also smiled, it makes him look younger and the lines due to years disappear. “Career Party men have zero reasons to go spend time at academic institutions. Unless it’s to go and be all comfortable with scientists who are doing projects for the Central Committee, and make sure these scientists stay happy by providing them the budget they need. I admit I haven’t visited Kurchatov often. Mainly because it hasn’t really come up during my years in this job.”

Valery turned somber, he and Boris are now sitting side by side, the older man moving his chair to sit closer to him, so they can talk softly and prevent any passerby from overhearing them. If this tent is even bugged, at least their topic is considered as neutral ground.

“Have you ever done something that isn’t part of the job, Boris? Something just for yourself.” It was asked close to a whisper, the other man has to lean closer to him to hear it. 

Boris looked at him, his steel blue eyes meeting his own. They look _beautiful. I am already lost in them._

“Yes. And it was a long time ago.” He sounded melancholic.

“Do you regret it?”

“Why would I? We all need to comfort ourselves every once and a while. We only live once.” His smile turned rueful. “And now that life is cut short.”

“Maybe we were meant to meet due to this. Maybe our paths wouldn’t have crossed if this didn’t happen.”

“Sounds tragic, if you ask me, Valera.”

Valery laughed. Pitiful. 

_I brought this upon myself. Now, I am the only one who will suffer the consequences._

He stood up, intent on leaving and drowning his own sorrows away in his room, with no audience but with definitive listeners, but as he stood, Boris also went to his feet, and they are now standing so close, Valery can feel the heat emanating from the man.

His hand seems to be moving out of its own accord. It lightly placed itself in the middle of Boris’ chest. Valery stared at his own hand in amazement. It slowly, _softly_ traveled up to caress the right cheek of Boris, _his face wrinkled yet so soft and right in the palm of my hand._ Valery met darker blue eyes.

_“Borja.”_

It was a whisper. A plea for help. 

It feels like a lifetime, but suddenly, Boris moved away from his touch, clearing his throat. 

“I am tired, Valera. I am retiring for the night.”

Boris suddenly looked stiff and uncomfortable. He turned and walked out of the tent, his eyes refusing to meet blue ones.

_Dammit. What have I done?_

***

Nothing happened, that was the facade Boris was portraying. Valery went on with it. He would rather let himself suffer and move on from _this feeling_ than lose the friendship he has with Boris. 

They still talk during the night, but Boris is only initiating friendly touches, Valery sometimes responding them, controlling himself, tight rod. _I can’t let another slip like that from happening again. Who knows, what line will I cross before he snaps and turns me over to the authorities._

There are also nights where it is all _not enough_. So he excuses himself earlier, and goes straight to his room.

He is expecting for Boris to knock on his door sometime after he leaves him. He never did.

***

Valery and Boris managed to keep up the charade they both wanted to present to the other men until the time the truth rained its wrath upon them.

Valery was nervously pacing around, awaiting Ulana. Boris sat on the corner, looking tired, worn out. _The radiation is getting to him._ Valery wiped his hands in his coat.

Ulana soon arrived at the threshold.

“I'm sorry for all this. But we needed to speak to you without…”

“They're putting Dyatlov on trial. And Bryukhanov. And Fomin. We're going to be called for expert testimony. All three of us. But before that happens--”

“The Central Committee is sending Legasov to Vienna. It's the headquarters of the International--”

“Atomic Energy Agency, I know what's in Vienna-- What are they asking you to do?”

“Tell the world what happened.”

_Sounds easier when said._

“Well then, you should know what happened.”

Ulana handed him reports and papers.

“I've constructed a timeline. Minute by minute. Second by second in some places. Every decision. Every button press. Every turn of a switch.”

“And are they guilty?”

_No. Not all of it._

“Yes, of gross incompetence, violation of safety regulations, recklessness beyond belief... but the explosion? I'm not sure.”

Valery took a breath. _It’s time. For the judgment._

***

Seeing the dilemma all three of them now face, it’s a miracle that Boris and Ulana didn’t resort to more vicious attacks on one another.

Valery was realizing the gravity of what is upon him, so he cannot interject in the argument now cascading in front of him. His eyes went glassy, and suddenly, he is lost in his own world, where he thinks the worst possible thing that could happen to him, be shot, or forced to tell a lie, and put the entire Soviet Union at risk. He blanched.

“There are 16 RBMK reactors running right now in the Soviet Union. We have to fix them, and the only way to make that happen is to go public. In Vienna, in the West, and force the Central Committee to take action.”

“What you are proposing is that Legasov humiliate a nation that is obsessed with not being humiliated.”

Valery sees Boris turn to him.

“We can make a deal with the KGB. You leave this information out in Vienna, and they quietly allow us to fix the remaining reactors.”

“A deal. With the KGB. And I'm naive…”

If Valery is having delusions due to his impending doom, he sees a flicker of desperation, and _is that fear_ in Boris’ eyes.

“Valery, they will go after your friends, your family--”

“You have a chance to talk to the world, Valery. If that chance was mine--”

“But it isn't, is it. I have known braver souls than you, Khomyuk. Men who had their moment and did nothing, because when it is your life and the lives of everyone you love, your moral conviction doesn't mean a damn thing. It leaves you. And all you want in that moment is not to be shot.”

_Is he talking about himself?_

_Oh, Borja._

Ulana is unfazed. _Brutally stubborn._

“Do you know the name Vasily Ignatenko?”

***

Valery is still suspended in midair, caught in the battle of his mind and heart, that when Ulana left, he didn’t notice Boris coming straight towards him.

Valery is losing. _I cannot._

“Borja.”

He didn’t stop the name from leaving him. He is just, so _lost, dejected, tired. Can I please have this, at least this time?_

Boris didn’t react negatively to the name. He only stepped closer.

“I know I cannot stop you when your mind is already set, Valera. One of the things I should've known better about you. Our working relationship would have been much easier at the start if I figured out that one about you.”

“Honestly, Borja, I don’t know what to do.”

He turned his desperate eyes to him. His eyes may have betrayed more than one emotion, because he heard the sharp intake of breath from Boris.

But he recovered so easily, _one of the many things I found fascinating about him._

“You’ll do what must be done, Valera. Think about it for as long as you need to. No matter what happens, I am here with you. I will not let you out alone. We are in this together.”

Valery is in for another surprise of his life.

He found himself enclosed in Boris’ strong arms. He rubbed his back.

The scientist resisted the urge to cry. But his breath is coming in short cycles. _I am having a panic attack._

Boris continued to hold him, calming him, the rock in the storm Valery is not sure he can go through alone.

“Shhh. Valera, I am here. I am not leaving you.”

_Calm, safe, he’s not leaving me. Despite everything that has happened to us. Or what is yet to happen._

He felt warm, dry, chapped lips touch his hair.

Valery froze.

_Did he? Please, did he? Am I dreaming?_

Boris noticed his stiff posture, because he drew back, held Valery’s face in his gloved hands, _still, I can feel his warmth._

“Tell me what I can do, Valera.”

“Did you, just?”

Valery cannot find himself to finish the sentence. Afraid that if he spoke about it out loud, the moment would be broken, _again._

Boris’ eyes turned soft. Tearful. 

_Did I put it there?_ The taller man didn’t answer him.

Valery is not going to lose this, _no! I am not letting this go away. I need answers._

_Don’t do this out of pity for me, Borja. I can take a lot of pity from other people, but not from you._

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Why did you do that? You pulled away from me the last time I initiated contact. I never did it again out of fear.”

“You were never afraid, Valera. What makes you afraid now?”

“Because you are a career Party man, for god sakes! You work for the government. We all know what the State decrees for men who fall prey to _forbidden follies._ And I can’t bear to lose what I managed to build with you, Borja, your friendship, your companionship. I can’t lose that in feelings that are not proper and I--”

Boris put a finger to Valery’s lips, to cease his harsh whispers.

“Who cares about what is right or proper. I know what I want, Valera. And I always make sure I get what I want, you should know that about me by now. We are dying anyway, we need all the time we can get.”

Valery finally found the courage to meet Boris’ blue eyes. He saw nothing but naked emotions, so much of them, he can’t name them all. But one managed to shine through all of it, _affection._

He immediately stepped out of Boris’ arms.

The cold felt unforgiving.

Boris looked shocked, then dejected, then like a kicked puppy.

Valery can’t face him. Not now. 

He turned and went down the stairs.

The cold hitting his face as he walked outside felt like a splash of cold water to wake him up in the dream he had, that was induced by one Boris Shcherbina.

***

Valery was close to throwing a screaming fit when Gorbachev instructed Boris to accompany him to Vienna.

***

KGB was kind enough to leave their rooms unbugged, but has the manpower to send agents to join the entourage to Vienna. 

They are only composed of fifteen people, maximum. Boris, of course, led the delegation, and treated Valery like a foreign diplomat.

Since arriving, they didn’t have much time to be alone, either they were joined by other members of the entourage, followed around by KGB agents, ambushed by foreign press, well most of the time, it was Valery who is ambushed by the press due to him already having a reputation, and the reason as to why he is here in Vienna has already spread.

Boris acted like a shield to prevent him from being overwhelmed by all of it. Deep inside, he was grateful for the man, but still feels he is on fire whenever those eyes landed on his.

_Keep it together, Legasov._

The day of the conference finally arrived, Valery was stressed enough, torn between versions of what to say. He only managed to calm down, when Boris put a hand on his shoulder, squeezed it, then went inside the room.

His name was soon called.

***

Valery was reeling from everything he has said, in that many hours he spent talking about Chernobyl, that the thunderous sound of applause and people giving him a standing ovation was lost on him. He can only stare dumbstruck at the scene around him. 

His eyes met cerulean blue ones.

Valery is on solid ground again.

***

KGB decided he is not getting shot that day.

***

Boris was gone, talking to Gorbachev to the phone in his own room, telling him why it is impossible for them to leave Vienna tonight, right after the conference. Valery is inside his own room, pacing.

_This isn’t the end. This is only the beginning._

A soft knock at the door interrupted his musings.

He opened it and was shocked to see that the person he least expects to be standing at the other side was there.

***

“Didn’t they notice you coming in?”

“They were scheduled for a brief with Charkov right now. I do have an idea of their workings. Besides, they all know I am inside my hotel room right now, either engaged in a screaming match with Gorbachev or drinking myself to sleep.”

Valery drank straight from his glass, turned to the window.

“Are you avoiding me, Valera?”

Valery gulped more of the alcohol. _What is this called again? You know what, I don’t even care._

“No.” He is a little proud his voice is steady enough.

“It doesn’t suit you, Valera. The lying.”

“Yet I did today, didn’t you see it? In front of the whole IAEA.”

He heard footsteps approach him. Then an arm drawing the curtains.

Valery can now fully see his face reflected in the glass. Boris’s face just behind him.

“I never really know myself as a man of patience.”

Valery turned a side look to avoid meeting Boris’ eyes in the glass.

“I may never understand how I got here, but there is one thing I know.”

Valery slowly turned, still refusing to meet the other man’s eyes. He fixed his attention on the half undone tie of Boris.

“I am a dying man, Valera. And life is full of twists and unexpected surprises. But there is one unexpected surprise I am not entirely averse to.”

“Don’t, Boris.”

He felt a hand enclose his left one. The one not holding the glass of alcohol.

“Why not?”

“It is, _wrong._ I am supposed to suffer in all of these alone.”

The glass was taken away from his hand. A hand nudged his chin upwards.

He is now facing eyes that are now bored into his whole being. Eyes that would haunt him until his dying days.

“Forgive me, but isn’t this whole _thing_ supposed to be much better when not done alone?”

Valery’s breath got stuck in his throat. He wants to refute that statement, yet.

“I don’t understand all of _these,_ Valera. But I want to, and I think I can fully understand it if you are with me. Who needs the right or wrong, you of all people never cared for protocol, anyway. One thing striking about you. I only managed to understand things when you are there with me to explain it.”

No one knows who moved first. But finally, _oh finally,_ lips met lips. 

Valery let himself get lost in the sensations. It was entirely different, _kissing a man._ Broad shoulders, strong chest. Hardened arms encircling him.

The kiss at first was uncoordinated, but they soon learned the pacing, and adjusted. Boris is indeed a fast learner.

Boris broke the contact first, a harsh whisper, against his lips. “Tell me how to do this, _Valera.”_

He slowly, without breaking eye contact, removed Valery’s glasses. 

_The trust, the vulnerability._

_I am willing to give it all._

Valery smiled. Held Boris’ face in his hands. “We’ll figure it out, _together.”_

***

There are more fumbling, but even with the initial awkwardness, Valery still wouldn’t trade this moment for anything else.

Because when they finally did figure it out, and skin met skin, everything else just fades away.

He held into Boris’ shoulders, his lips directly to Boris’ ear. He didn’t hold back on every soft moan escaping him. The tightness, the warm skin, Boris’ soft grunts sending shivers down his spine, his right hand clasped tightly with Boris’ left, it’s all _overwhelming,_ and Valery’s thoughts are nothing but _Borja, oh Borja, oh god._

When the release came and they both fell into the edge, their hands stayed together, and Valery held him through it all. They spent the next minutes trying to clean up, and side by side, talked quietly about anything and everything at all.

***

They were close to lightly dozing off, when Boris whispered to him, “I want you inside me, _Valera.”_

Who was he to refuse?

***

Valery’s face mere inches from Boris’ own. Them panting straight to each other’s mouths. Both of his hands braced on Boris’ shoulders. His hands on his back, going lower. _god, Borja, he feels so, so good, this is glorious, oh god._

All train of thought fled from him when he approached the precipice. Boris soon joining him.

They fell asleep in a tangle of blankets, Valery listening to Boris’ heartbeat, the man pressing a reverent kiss to his forehead.

***

All things have a countdown timer with them. Valery was, after all, the one who put one into both of them.

Returning to Moscow was a clean affair. No suspicions aroused. 

All of it flew out the window for a moment when he asked Boris if he would like a drink with him up in his apartment, him agreeing, then being pinned against the closed door, Boris’ kisses feel desperate, unyielding, and Valery let himself fall again.

_The ticking of the clock never stopped._

They parted later that night with warm caresses, and Boris again kissing him reverently in the forehead.

Valery still cannot find the word.

***

“It says, "At last, a Soviet scientist who tells the truth." Obviously I resent the insinuation, but I think it's fair to say you made an excellent impression at the conference. It turns out you're quite good at this.”

Valery felt sick.

“At what, Lying?”

“Statecraft, Legasov. Statecraft.”

“The West is now satisfied that Chernobyl was solely the result of operator error. Which it essentially was. We have you to thank for that. And we intend to.”

He sees the list.

“Hero of the Soviet Union.”

“Our highest honor. They haven't even given it to me.”

"Promotion to Director of the Kurchatov Institute." I’m humbled.”

“I don't think there's anything humble about you, Valery Alexeyevich.”

“And these rewards are not yours yet. First, your testimony at the trial.”

“Comrade Charkov, I understand my duty to the State-- but you gave us assurances. You said the reactors would be made safe. It's been months. There have been no changes made, no changes even discussed…”

“First, the trial. Once it's over, we will have our villains, we will have our hero... we will have our truth.”

_Their own version of the truth, anyway._

***

Valery was spacing out in the face of Boris holding his grandson, and his daughter standing nearby.

“I am widowed.”

Boris said that to him before he pressed a quick kiss on his forehead, as Valery is set to leave.

***

The day of the trial is also the day Valery will die.

Or so he thought.

***

Valery soon noticed that the suit now never fits Boris well. His shoulders, not that broad anymore. He aged like five years in a span of a few days.

“To test this theory, the reactor is placed in a reduced power mode-- 700 megawatts-- to simulate a blackout condition. Then-- the turbines are shut off, and as they slowly spin down, their electrical output is measured to see if it is sufficient to power the pumps. The science is strong-- but a test is only as good as the men carrying it out. The first time they tried, they failed. The second time they tried, they failed. The third time they tried, they failed. The fourth time they tried-- was on April 26th, 1986.”

Valery has his mouth slightly open. He shut it, then turned to the judges.

Boris made his way to his seat, his eyes never breaking contact with his.

“Comrade Khomyuk.”

***

“The night shift had not been trained to perform the experiment. They hadn't even been warned it was happening. Leonid Toptunov-- the operator responsible for controlling and stabilizing the reactor that night-- was all of 25-years old. And his total experience on the job? Four months. This was the human problem created by the delay. But inside the reactor core-- in the space between atoms themselves-- something far more dangerous was forming. A poison. The time is 28 past midnight.”

_Terrified._

_And I am alone in this._

Valery took a deep breath, and when the stand was in place, turned to the jury.

“But you don't need to be a nuclear scientist to understand what happened at Chernobyl. You only need to know this: there are essentially two things that happen inside a nuclear reactor.”

***

Valery dropped one of the placards in the floor. He saw an exasperated look cross Boris’s face, and a concerned one for Ulana. He can only sheepishly smile and continue, voice unwavering.

***

“I wasn't in the room when they raised the power.”

Valery can only shake his head.

“If you weren't in the room, then where were you?”

“Comrade Legasov, you are a witness, not a prosecutor. I will ask the questions here.”

_Alright._

“If you weren't in the room, then where were you?”

“The toilet.”

A soft cough from Ulana’s side reached Valery’s ears. Yet he focused his eyes on placards in front of him.

“The toilet. Comrade Khomyuk interviewed everyone who was in the control room that night. They all told the same story. "I knew what Dyatlov ordered was wrong, but if I didn't do what he said, I would be fired." Leonid Toptunov, one day before he died. No, Comrade Dyatlov, you were in the room. You ordered them to raise the power. This is a fact.”

The coughing got louder.

“Court is now in recess. Thirty minutes.”

Valery noticed Boris stand, and moves out of the courtroom, his coughing fit getting louder and _worse._ He never dared to break his sight from Boris’ retreating back, until it disappeared behind the door.

***

He gently sat beside Boris. He wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, squeeze it. But he knows that wordless gestures or physical affections will not cure what is slowly killing him inside.

_It is also what slowly kills him._

“Do you know anything about this town? Chernobyl?”

“Not really, no.”

“It was mostly Jews and Poles. The Jews were killed in pogroms, Stalin forced out the Poles, then the Nazis came and murdered whoever was left. But after the war, people came here to live anyway. They knew the ground beneath their feet was soaked in blood, but they didn't care. Dead Jews, dead Poles, but not them. No one ever thinks it will happen to them. But here we are.”

Valery can only stare at the red-stained handkerchief.

“How much time?”

“They're calling it a "long illness." That doesn't seem very long to me. I know-- you told me. I believed you. At first. But-- time passed, and I didn't think it would happen to me. I wasted it. I wasted it all. For nothing.”

Valery felt a sense of guilt over that conversation.

_We’ll be dead in five years._

Then after processing the rest of the sentence uttered by Boris, he is filled with some sort of determination.

“For nothing?”

“Do you remember the morning I first called you? Do you remember how unconcerned I was? I don't believe much that comes out of the Kremlin, but when they told me they were putting me in charge of the cleanup, and they said it wasn't serious, I believed them. Do you know why?”

_Don’t make me say it._

Boris looks at him.

_Fine._

“Because they put you in charge.”

“I am an inconsequential man, Valera. That's all I've ever been. I hoped one day that I would matter. But I didn't. I just stood next to people who did.”

_I am not having any of this._

Valery tried his best, to tell Boris what he is feeling. Even if he himself still hadn’t found the word for it.

“There are other scientists like me. Any one of them could have done what I did. But you-- Everything we asked for, everything we needed. Men. Material. Lunar rovers? Who else could have done these things? They heard me, but they listened to you. Of all the ministers and all the deputies-- the entire congregation of obedient fools-- they mistakenly sent us the one good man.”

Suddenly, Valery is hit with an idea.

_Oh._

He looked at Boris. 

_Ocean blue eyes meet the same shade, but hardened and darker ones._

_It now has a word._

“For god's sake, Boris-- you were the one who mattered the most.”

_Valery Legasov finally found the word for it._

Boris found the caterpillar in his hand.

“It is beautiful.”

***

“In every control room of every nuclear reactor in the world, there is a button with one single purpose-- to "scram" or instantly shut down the reaction. In Soviet reactors, that button is called "AZ-5". You press AZ-5, all of the control rods insert at once, and the reaction is stopped dead. But.”

“What are you waiting for Legasov? Tell your lies.”

The jury had enough.

“Comrade Dyatlov, you will not be warned again.”

“Or what--”

Bryukhanov leveled a harsh whisper at Dyatlov. “For god’s sake, Dyatlov--”

“Legasov's already given it away. He said before there was no way to avoid what was coming. He knows something. She knows something.”

Valery stared at Dyatlov. Shocked. Unsure. 

“I know what you are, Valery Alexeyevich. You're a liar. You're a liar and a coward.”

_I’m running out of time._

“We've heard enough for today. The defendants will be remanded to custody. Court will--”

“I haven’t finished. I have more evidence to give.”

“It is not necessary. Your testimony is concluded. Your honor.”

_I tried. I tried._

Valery turned to Boris. _I can't._

Boris met his eyes in a heartbeat. Then it shifted to the judge.

“Court is now adjourned. We will resume tomorrow with--”

“Let him finish!”

Valery can only stare at the man who became so much to him, in the span of the disaster and wasteland Chernobyl has become, the man who became a strike of color, his support, his everything, his _Borja._

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

He stood there, unfazed.

“Let him finish.”

At the moment their eyes met, Valery hoped his eyes said it all.

_I love you. And I am doing this for you._

He took a glance at his hands. And faced his newfound reality.

***

“In the instant the lid is thrown off the reactor, oxygen rushes in. It combines with hydrogen and superheated graphite.”

_It is done._

“The chain of disaster is now complete.”

_Now here is the hard part._

***

“Professor Legasov, if you mean to suggest the Soviet State is somehow responsible for what happened, then I must warn you-- you are treading on dangerous ground.”

“I've already trod on dangerous ground. We're on dangerous ground right now. Because of our secrets and our lies. They are practically what defines us. When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we cannot even remember it's there. But it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, the debt is paid.”

“That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies.”

_Not enough._

***

“I know who I am, and I know what I've done. In a just world, I would be shot for my lies. But not for this. Not for the truth.”

He is just a man, after all of that, in front of Charkov.

“Scientists... and your idiot obsession with reasons. When the bullet hits your skull, what will it matter why?”

_What is probably the worst that could happen. Would I die today?_

“No one's getting shot, Legasov. The whole world saw you in Vienna. It would be embarrassing to kill you now. And for what? Your testimony today will not be accepted by the State. It will not be disseminated in the press. It never happened. No, you will live-- however long you have. But not as a scientist. Not anymore. You'll keep your title and your office, but no duties, no authority, no friends. No one will talk to you. No one will listen to you. Other men-- lesser men-- will receive credit for the things you have done. Your legacy is now their legacy. You'll live long enough to see that.”

_Erased. I am being erased._

Valery stared at one point in the flooring. Too numb to even resent what is going to happen to him.

“What role did Shcherbina play in this?”

And it all came crashing down. 

_Defeated._

_Borja. I will never see him again._

It doesn't get easier the longer their conversation progresses. Or, deteriorates.

“You will not meet or communicate with either one of them ever again. You will not communicate with anyone about Chernobyl ever again. You will remain so immaterial to the world around you that when you finally do die, it will be exceedingly hard to tell that you ever lived at all.”

“And if I refuse?”

“Why worry about something that isn’t going to happen?”

Valery couldn’t help himself, but offer his last parting snark.

“Why worry about something that isn't going to happen." Oh, that's perfect. They should put that on our money.”

_It’s over._

***

The moment their eyes met, faraway, until that final glance through that dirty car window, Valery can literally feel the defeat in his body, it is wearing him down.

He only managed a split second of wordless goodbye to Boris.

_After all of that, despite everything we did, everything I’ve done._

_Despite what we have._

_It wasn’t enough._

Valery holds back the tears. But he is now weeping for Chernobyl, for the truth, for all of the people lost, for Boris.

For the could’ve been.

_“To be a scientist is to be naive. We are so focused on our search for truth, we fail to consider how few actually want us to find it. But it is always there, whether we can see it or not, whether we choose to or not. The truth doesn't care about our needs or wants. It doesn't care about our governments, our ideologies, our religions. It will lie in wait, for all time.”_

_“And this, at last, is the gift of Chernobyl. Where I once would fear the cost of truth, now I only ask:_

_What is the cost of lies?”_

Everything.

***

Valery watched his cat go through one of the five bowls he left. He took his last drag of the cigarette.

He allowed himself one more thought to the man he never forgotten, despite not seeing him for a year already.

Cerulean eyes.

Strong build. Now weakened by radiation.

Yet still has the fighter spirit he always possessed since the moment their eyes met in that boardroom at the Kremlin.

He remembers the face Boris made when he told him he was the one who mattered the most.

Valery didn’t lie.

He is the man who mattered, mattered so much to him.

Valery flicked off his cigarette.

He wore his coat, took out the chair, stood into it, and tied the rope around his neck.

_Will you remember me, Borja?_

Did Boris Shcherbina love him? Valery wasn't sure.

_I never got to ask him. And I never figured it out._

Funny enough. He is a good scientist. Well, he used to be. But he never did figure out the man.

But one thing is for sure, _Valery Legasov loves Boris Shcherbina_. He said it the moment he chose to tell the truth, at the expense of his own life. Probably until now, god knows if it will ever fade.

He smiled.

_Forgive me, Borja._

_I still love you. I’ll always will._

And then, he jumped. 

***

A cassette tape sat alongside the five tapes left at the dark containment in the alley. It was wrapped in a deep blue paper. It has one sentence written in paper inside:

_To my rock._

***

_No longer mourn for me when I am dead_

_Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell_

_Give warning to the world that I am fled_

_From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell:_

_Nay, if you read this line, remember not_

_The hand that writ it, for I love you so,_

_That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot,_

_If thinking on me then should make you woe._

_O! if, I say, you look upon this verse,_

_When I perhaps compounded am with clay,_

_Do not so much as my poor name rehearse;_

_But let your love even with my life decay;_

_Lest the wise world should look into your moan,_

_And mock you with me after I am gone._

(c) Sonnet 71, William Shakespeare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know what, there is only one chap left.
> 
> the verdict.
> 
> Special shoutout first, to @KamiDog (both on twitter and on the discord of hell) who blessed us with the art of Boris taking off Valery's glasses, which spurred an interesting discussion that gave me ideas. Second, to @elenatria and @johnlockismyreligion (if there are other people I missed, please tell me) who gave the idea of Valery leaving behind a special tape for Boris. I THANK YOU ALL FOR BLESSING ME WITH CONTENT TO WORK WITH <3
> 
> Also, special shoutout to the people in the discord of hell. Thank you for listening to all of my rants. Y'all are the best, I'm. 
> 
> I apologize for any hearts or tear ducts broken and eyes that suffered from longtime exposure to gadgets due to this update. HSHS.
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Please shout out abuse at me at the comments, or at Tumblr: @cocomoraine. follow me also. just joking don't follow the trash pile.
> 
> hold on, sweetie. Boris Shcherbina is just taking a deep breath backstage. he will be with us sooner.


	7. The Verdict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. All of these concerns the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended toward their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed, because I want to make the grand exit all on my own. wswswsws.
> 
> The man of the hour, the man we all spent 6 chapters trying to decode, the man I spent more than 39k words just so I can pin down what is the nature of his relationship with one Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, is finally going to speak his piece.
> 
> Sit back, feet up, this is going to be one hell of a ride, to the exit (page 97 of the document, ended on page 153).
> 
> Here y'all go!

The man in question: Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina

One thing should summarize Boris Shcherbina, if ever his name is uttered around the Kremlin.

Chernobyl.

But the Kremlin is keen on throwing that under the rug.

And Shcherbina is just one man replaceable in a system larger than him, or any man or woman for that matter.

But, if he is going to be asked about Chernobyl, he will only tell you one name.

_Valery_ _Alexeyevich_ _Legasov._

A name he utters when asked. Until on his final days.

Sometimes, he will smile when he says that name. Sometimes, he just stares ahead, a faraway look in his eyes. Sometimes, he will talk about what Legasov did in a monotone voice, _emotionless, empty._ Like he is just giving a status report at any meeting inside the Kremlin.

On rare occasions, he will talk about Valery Legasov for hours on end, but it ends in the same way. 

With tears and regret evident in his voice.

***

From the beginning, Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina is the typical apparatchik.

_Arrogant. Self-assured. Confident._

It’s part of the job.

When the explosion at Chernobyl happened, he never would’ve thought that the explosion rocked him off his own axis.

Nothing is the same ever again. Not just for him, but for all of them.

***

Boris dialed the number, waiting for the person on the other end of the line to answer.

He glanced at the file in front of him.

_Valery Alexeyevich Legasov._

_Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy_

“Hello?”

Time to get to business.

***

They have been on the line for less than two minutes, now this man has the _audacity_ to talk back to him.

_Goddamn, is he going to be a handful in real life too?_

“That late? I'm sorry, but I think given the radiation you're reporting, it might be best to--”

“Legasov. You're on this committee to answer direct questions about the function of an RBMK reactor if they should happen to arise. Nothing else. Certainly not policy. Do you understand?”

“Yes. Of course. I didn't mean to--”

He shuts the phone down.

_Insolent man._

He glared at the file in his desk.

***

“In terms of radiation, Plant Director Bryukhanov reports no more than 3.6 roentgen. I'm told that's the equivalent of a chest x-ray. So if you're overdue for a check-up…”

His joke got the men around the room to have a few chuckles.

“As for the fire, it's largely contained. Pikalov and his men should have it out soon enough.”

“Foreign press?”

“Totally unaware.”

Boris turned to Charkov. The man who is indeed a symbol of the State.

“KGB First Deputy Chairman Charkov assures me we've successfully protected our security interests.”

“If there is nothing else? Meeting adjourned.”

“No!”

“Pardon me?”

Boris leveled a glare towards the man who started the noise. The disruption.

“We can’t adjourn.”

“This is Professor Legasov of the Kurchatov Institute. Professor, if you have a concern, feel free to address it with me. Later.”

“I can’t.”

_How dare?_

He should’ve seen this one coming. He definitely should've had.

***

It’s amazing how control can get lost from your hands in a spur of the moment. One second, they were all happy and calm. Now, they are agitated, angry, and debating.

_It’s all Legasov’s fault, really._

“General-Secretary, I assure you Professor Legasov is mistaken. Bryukhanov reports the reactor core is intact. And the radiation--”

“Yes, "3.6 roentgen", which by the way is not the equivalent of one chest x-ray, but rather four hundred chest x-rays. That number's been bothering me for a different reason, though. It's also the maximum reading on low-limit dosimeters. They gave us the number they had, but I think the true number is much, much higher. If I'm right, this fireman was holding the equivalent of four million x-rays. In his hand.”

_I’ve had enough!_

“Professor Legasov. There is no place for alarmist hysteria in this room.”

“It's not alarmist if it's a fact!”

“I don't hear any facts at all. All I hear is a man I don't know engaging in conjecture-- in direct contradiction of what has been reported by Party officials.”

Boris smiled.

“I apologize. I didn't mean-- may I express my concern as calmly and respectfully as I can?”

Boris wanted to cut him off, but Gorbachev is faster.

_Fine._

***

“I want you to go to Chernobyl. Look at the reactor. You personally. Report directly back to me.”

“A wise decision. I'll depart at once.”

“And take Legasov with you.”

_What? Maybe I misheard._

“Forgive me, Comrade General-Secretary, but--”

“Do you know how a nuclear reactor works, Boris Evdokimovich?”

“No.”

“Then how will you know what you're looking at?”

The meeting ended after that. He glared at Legasov, channeling all his rage.

_This is all your fault, Legasov._

***

“Of course-- you presume I'm too stupid to understand. So I'll restate. Tell me how a nuclear reactor works, or I'll have one of these soldiers throw you out of this helicopter.”

He didn’t miss the dark look Legasov gave him.

_Don’t test me._

***

“--a nuclear plant uses something called fission. We take an unstable element like uranium-235, which has too many neutrons. A neutron is--”

“The bullet.”

If he could gloat properly, he might have pointed out the look of initial shock and awe from Legasov’s face, took a photo, and rubbed it to his face. But he is a career Party man first and foremost. He has to focus on the task at hand. No time for frivolities.

***

“Good. I know how a nuclear reactor works. Now I don't need you.”

He can always pretend he didn’t see a flash of hurt in the scientist face. _What would it matter?_

***

They were both doing a good job of being calm until Legasov became panicky again when they finally arrived at Chernobyl.

“What have they done?”

Boris is shocked. _What has happened here?_

“Can you see the core from here?”

“I don't need to. Look at the graphite on the roof. The entire building's blown open. It's exposed.”

“I don't see how you can tell that from here--”

“For god's sake, look at the glow-- the radiation is ionizing the air!”

“If we can't see it, we don't know. Get us directly over the building.”

“Boris-”

It triggered a wildfire inside him. Enough to make him angry all over again.

“Don’t use my name!”

“--if we fly directly over an open reactor core-- --we'll be dead within a week. Dead!”

“Sir?”

_I don’t give a damn._

“I have my orders from General-Secretary Gorbachev. You have your orders from me. Get us over the reactor core, or I'll have you shot.”

Legasov stood up. He failed to grasp his arms and make him sit again. _What does that man want to prove?_

“If you fly over the core, I promise you-- by tomorrow morning, you'll be begging for that bullet.”

It took three seconds for the pilot to disobey one Boris Shcherbina. It resulted in Legasov tumbling down to him. As a man raised with manners and grace, despite his brashness, he quickly got hold of the other man, steadied him and gently took him back to his seat.

The surprise and horror of what transpired a few minutes ago did not get lost in both of them.

***

“Naturally, we regret the circumstances of the visit, but as you can see, we're making excellent progress containing the damage. We've also begun an inquiry into the cause of the accident, and I have a list of individuals we believe are accountable.”

Boris took the paper, and disinterestedly flipped through it while wearing his reading glasses.

The paper has a list of names he just skimmed over. _Nonsense._

He removed his glasses, and put it back inside his coat. He turned at the soldiers standing faraway with Legasov. The scientist looking around, like a nervous cat brought home for the first time.

He raised his hand and gave the signal. As Legasov approached them, Bryukhanov began sprouting more of his dramatics.

“Professor Legasov. I understand you've been saying dangerous things.”

And that other man has the gall to add his uninteresting two cents.

“Very dangerous things. Apparently our reactor core "exploded." Please tell me how an RBMK reactor core "explodes". I'd love to know.”

Boris resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Is this the newest generation of bureaucrats? All with childish streak inside them.

Legasov glared with pure hatred at Fomin. _The man sure knows where to pick a fight._

“I'm not prepared to explain it at this time.”

“As I presumed. He has no answer.”

“Disgraceful, really. To spread disinformation at a time like this.”

He soon found himself meeting the eyes of the scientist. It looks like he is silently imploring him to say it. _Tell them._

If this is his end, so be it. He turns to Bryukhanov.

“Why did I see graphite on the roof? Graphite is only found in the core, where it's used as a neutron flux moderator-- correct?”

Legasov is surprised. _What? It was your idea._

“Fomin, why did the Deputy Chairman see graphite on the roof?”

“There can't be, I-- Comrade Shcherbina, my apologies, but graphite? That's... that's not possible. Perhaps you saw burnt concrete?

“Ah, now there you made a mistake, because while I don't know much about nuclear reactors, I know a lot about concrete.” 

If they think they can make one Boris Shcherbina look stupid, they have to try harder.

“Comrade, I assure you--”

“I understand. You think Legasov is wrong. So-- how shall we prove it?”

Pikalov delivers the answer.

“Our high-range dosimeter just arrived. We could cover one of our trucks with lead shielding, mount the dosimeter on the front…”

He again glances at Legasov. _Satisfied?_

Legasov nods, then steps forward to Pikalov.

“Have one of your men drive as close to the fire as he can, and give him every bit of protection you have. But understand-- even with the lead shielding-- it may not be enough.”

“Then I’ll do it myself.”

***

Legasov sits far away from him and from Bryukhanov and Fomin.

Boris does not care one bit.

Not at all.

“He’s back.”

***

“It’s not three roentgen. It’s fifteen thousand.”

_Goddamn, what the fuck._ “What does that number mean?”

“It means the core is open and the fuel is melting down. It means the fire we're watching with our own eyes is giving off nearly twice the radiation released by the bomb in Hiroshima. And that's every single hour. Hour after hour. Twenty hours since the explosion. Forty bombs' worth by now. Forty-eight more tomorrow. And it will not stop. Not in a week. Not in a month. It will burn and spread its poison until the entire continent is dead.”

_I’m done with these two._

“Thank you for your service, gentlemen.”

“Comrade--”

“You are excused.”

“Dyatlov was in charge! It was Dyatlov!”

_Get them out of my sight._

He turns sharply at Legasov.

“Tell me how to put it out.”

***

No matter where they go, no matter what they talk about, they always end up arguing, its close to making less sense and just gets Boris tired from it all.

“For god’s sake, roughly--”

“Five thousand tons. And obviously we need to immediately evacuate an enormous area of--”

“Never mind that. Focus on the fire.”

“I am focusing on the fire. The wind is carrying the smoke, all that radiation-- at least evacuate Pripyat! It's three kilometers away!”

“That’s my decision to make.”

“Then make it.”

“I’ve been told not to.”

“Is it or is it not your decision?!”

“I am in charge here! This will go much easier if you talk to me about things you DO understand, and do NOT talk to me about things you do NOT understand.”

He leaves Legasov there in the middle of it all.

“Where are you going?”

_Oh, are you not done?_

“I'm GOING to get you five thousand tons of sand and boron!”

***

Everything is not easy in Chernobyl. It's a hard pill to swallow that until now, Boris still hasn’t learned.

He witnessed so many battles. Fought in many of it. Seen men fall down. But to see a helicopter fall out of the sky again triggers the memory of war and bloodshed. At least he knows how to deal with it in his own calculated way.

For Legasov, he does not know if the man is capable of doing that.

“Legasov, is there another way to do this?”

The scientist nodded him a negative.

“Send the next one in. And tell them to approach from the west.”

There is nothing Boris can do but stare ahead at the grim picture in front of him, and leave Legasov into his own space. _He needs it._

***

Apparently, the space he has given to Legasov was not enough. His joyous demeanor on the successful drops of sand and boron into the reactor core all went away with the wind when he saw there was no change in Legasov’s somber expression.

“What?”

“There are fifty thousand people in this city.”

_He does not know when to stop, does he?_

_Time to face the music._

“Professor Ilyin-- who is also on the commission-- says the radiation isn't high enough to evacuate--”

“Ilyin isn’t a physicist.”

“He’s a medical doctor. If he says it's safe, it’s safe.”

“Not if they stay here.”

“We’re staying here.”

“Yes we are. And we’ll be dead in five years!”

The only thing Boris can answer to that is shocked silence. He tried to temper down the avalanche of emotions now cascading into him. Anger, for his insolence. Shock, because all of a sudden, his life is cut off and now has a countdown timer. _Afraid, because he is going to die._

_And there are still a lot of things he hasn’t been able to do._

Some of these emotions may have been able to leak through his facade, _or maybe my eyes betrayed myself again_ , because Legasov suddenly lost the determined anger etched in him, and appear apologetic.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean, I--”

Boris turned away from him. _I can’t do this right now._

He sat in the chair, absorbing this newfound realization, _thinking, this is all just a wild dream,_ and the telephone call jarred him back and reminded him, _no, this is your reality._

***

Atop the building, side by side with Legasov, he can only watch as the buses drive away with the former citizens of Pripyat. Soldiers milling around, animals chasing after their owners.

_Never to return._

Boris can only stare at it for far too long. Then, this time, it was he who walked away.

Legasov can only stare at his retreating back. 

***

Boris is finding that line in the map laid out by Legasov in the table oddly fascinating, when his ears pick up the lack of talking from Legasov, he turned his eyes up to the scientist. Legasov has a worried frown upon his forehead.

“Are you alright?”

Boris tried to do a smile, but then the door opened, and came Pikalov and a woman. 

Boris can only stare when the woman assaulted Legasov with statements, questions, then corrections, and other words and terms that all flew upon his head. 

He can only manage to remember the woman’s name. _Khomyuk._

The two are now engaged in a discussion so fast and _technical_ that Boris couldn’t help but feel like someone who walked into a world where he didn’t belong, _I have no idea what the fuck are they even talking about._

When the conversation died down at something that should be a collective horrific realization, Boris only managed to pick up that there is something wrong when he sees Legasov’s face. 

***

“Our power comes from the perception of our power. Do you understand the damage this has done? Do you understand what's at stake? Boris.”

He didn’t have the energy to play cards with Gorbachev right now.

“Professor Legasov will deliver our briefing.”

***

He only stares at the document in front of him as Legasov and Khomyuk deliver the doomsday news. 

_I do know what is at stake, Mikhail._

***

“But-- we do have a solution.”

“We can pump the water from the tanks. Unfortunately, they're sealed off by a sluice gate, and the gate can only be opened manually from within the duct system itself. We need to find three plant workers who know the facility well enough to enter the basement here, find their way through all these ductways, get to the sluice gate valve here, and give us the access we need to pump out the tanks. Of course we'll need your permission.”

“Permission for what?”

“The water in these ducts-- the level of radioactive contamination--”

  
“They'll likely be dead in a week.”

  
“We're asking your permission to kill three men”

Boris looks at Gorbachev. As if daring him to have an emotional response to what Legasov and Khomyuk said.

All eyes on Gorbachev now.

“Comrade Legasov. All victories inevitably come at a cost. Sometimes we count this cost in rubles. Sometimes we count it in lives”

***

The conversation with Gorbachev was surreal at best. At least he thinks he did a good job hiding what really bothered him. 

Valery Legasov was only telling the truth. But the truth is a rare commodity in this world.

***

“This is what has always set our people apart. A thousand years of sacrifice in our veins. And every generation must know its own suffering. I spit on the men who did this. And I curse the price I have to pay. But I am making my peace with it. You make yours. And go into the water. Because it must be done.”

_It was the words of a true apparatchik._

And the ones that spurred three men. 

Legasov looks at him, eyes covered by the glare of the sunlight reflecting in his glasses.

Ananenko. Bezpalov. Baranov.

_Three men. For sixty million people._

***

He and Legasov can only watch from inside their truck as Pikalov’s men stepped away from the three divers.

Boris took a deep breath when the doors shut behind them.

He only released it when the banging from the other side emerged.

***

“Look. Look at our boys!”

“Get them to the doctors.”

Boris can always pretend he is fine. 

He gives a solemn nod to Ananenko.

***

It’s a wonder that Legasov still hasn’t learned to where he should pick his battles. He just goes _on and on it’s a wonder he hasn’t pissed so many politicians yet._ Boris also thought, and deep inside, finds it both amusing and horrifying that Legasov’s callous bluntness still hasn’t got him shot.

“How did this happen? Who gave them this idea?”

“Are you suggesting I did?” Boris felt offended.

“Well someone decided the evacuation zone should be thirty kilometers, when we know-- Here! Caesium-137 in Gomel District. Two HUNDRED kilometers away!”

“It was decided.”

“Based on WHAT?”

“I don’t know.”

Boris put his hands away. He felt like punching something. But not Legasov. He’s way past that.

Indeed for small miracles.

“Forgive me. Maybe I've spent too much time in my lab. Or maybe I'm stupid. But is this really how it all works? An uninformed, arbitrary decision that will cost who knows how many lives is made by some apparatchik? Some career Party man?”

_Not on my watch, Legasov._

“I am a career Party man. You should mind your tone, Comrade Legasov.”

He didn’t give Legasov time to figure out why he had to do that. Because Pikalov is there to bring more problems to add up to the pile. That goddamn pile is not even getting smaller.

***

“Whatever you need, you have it. That should be clear by now. Is there anything else?”

Boris rubbed his face. Dealing with pissed off apparatchiks is such a chore. Is this how some of his staff deals with almost everyday? Boris can’t even summon the energy to spare a chuckle at the thought.

“My apologies. No. Thank you for--”

“Yes. I wanted to address the 30-kilometer exclusion zone--”

_Forget the truce. Maybe I do need to strangle someone._

“What exclusion zone? Is that Legasov? What are you-- ?”

“Minor details, General Secretary. Premier Ryzhkov has determined that--”

“If he determined, then he determined.”

He summoned all the remaining energy he had for the day to give Legasov a death glare. The man didn’t even bat an eyelash.

“Legasov, you are there for one purpose, do you understand? To make this stop. I don't want questions. I want to know when this will be over.”

“If you mean, when will Chernobyl be completely safe, the half-life of Plutonium-239 is 24,000 years. Perhaps we should just say, "Not within our lifetimes."

Boris put his face in his hands. _Hopeless case._

When Gorbachev hangs up, he has lost all the energy to be angry at Legasov. They’ve been with one another for a few days now, he should be used to his outbursts, but still, it’s giving him a headache, or maybe it’s the radiation finally getting to him.

“I think you and I should take a walk.”

“It’s late. I’m tired.” 

_Try harder before you can say no to me, Legasov._

“We're taking a walk. “

***

He continues tearing down small pieces of the kolbasa, and giving it to the dogs who follow him as if he is now their master.

He briefly considers what is going to happen to these animals, but then quickly got his head out of the train of thoughts. It’s all going to get ugly again, anyway. 

Legasov is quietly fuming beside him. He tries to tame it down.

“Would you like some kolbasa?”

“What is it you want? An apology? I won't sit back and let these people--”

“What's going to happen to our boys?”

He just can’t stop referring to them as their boys. 

“What boys? The divers?”

“The divers, the firefighters, the men in the control room. What does the radiation do to them? Precisely.”

Legasov turned somber. _There is no running away from it now._

***

“And what about us?”

He shouldn’t be asking this, but Boris always wanted straightforward things. And people. Besides, he needs to know if that is going to happen to his body for the rest of the time he’s got left.

“We've gotten a steady dose, but much less of it. Not strong enough to kill the cells, but consistent enough to damage the DNA. In time... cancer. Or aplastic anemia. Either way, fatal.”

“Well. In a sense, it would seem we've gotten off easily then... Valery.”

Boris looked ahead. _Valery._

_How his name rolls off his tongue._

_There are always spaces for first time._

Boris turned to his left. He saw the gears turning inside Valery’s head.

“Now you know why I wanted to take a walk. Obviously, the work site is bugged. But I suspect our rooms as well.”

They stopped walking. Valery faced him.

“I've seen them before. They've been here the whole time.”

Boris resisted a smile creeping up in his face, but it came, albeit a small one. _Oh, Valery, you are so smart yet so stupid._

“Of course they've been here the whole time. If we're seeing them out in the open now-- it's because they want us to know.”

They continued to walk around the ghost town Chernobyl has now become. KGB always following.

***

Boris was busy staring and writing the report that is due to be sent to Moscow later that afternoon, but his eyes keep shooting glances at Valery, who is stiffly up against the wall of the trailer. 

He wishes he can go up to him and offer a shoulder of comfort, but Boris is at a loss on how to do _just that. Whenever it concerns Valery Legasov, Boris Shcherbina is lost, because Valery’s mind sometimes moves too fast he cannot keep up._

“I’m not good at this, Boris.”

So he didn’t make a misstep the last time he called him by his name. Good.

“The lying.”

Boris felt a pang of pity for Valery. He is again reminded how new to all of these the scientist is. But of course, working as one in the Soviet Union, he knows also that the other man is no stranger to the strange bureaucracy the entirety of it operates in.

Maybe, Chernobyl is such a disaster it all changed them. 

“Have you ever spent time with miners?”

“No.”

“My advice? Tell the truth. These men work in the dark. They see everything.”

Maybe it’s time to operate on the axis Valery is in. So that Chernobyl can be fixed.

_If they can even do that._

The door opens and a soldier walks in.

“Andrei Glukhov. Crew chief.”

***

“We have some equipment here on site, but more will arrive by midnight. You can start in the morning.”

“We'll start now. I don't want my men here one second more than they have to be.”

He tosses then the gas mask at his desk.

“If these worked, you'd be wearing them.”

_Five years._

***

Boris is having a great time.

At least some things are turning into their favor. He wants to share this good news to one person who he knows need it the most.

He enters the trailer, vodka bottle in hand. He gives his best version of a smile to Valery, hoping it will cheer up the scientist more.

“The fire is out. It's out, Valera! And the miners are making incredible progress. They say the whole job will be finished in four weeks. Four, can you believe it?”

He belatedly only realized the use of the informal name, but, _oh well._ He pours a shot on Valery’s water glass. The scientist continued to stare blankly at his list.

Boris suddenly felt tired.

“I know the job isn't over. But it's the beginning of the end.”

Valery nods his head in negative.

The smile is gone. And then he remembers, where he is, what he is doing now. 

_Five years._

***

“You aren't as protected without-- ‘

“Are you telling me it will make a difference?”

Boris stares. 

“When this is over-- will we be taken care of?”

“I do not know.”

Boris doesn’t even know for himself, if he will be taken care of after this.

If this will ever be over.

If the Kremlin will replace him.

He doesn’t know.

_No more lying._

***

Boris watches from a distance, seeing Valery fumbling in his seat, agitated. _That tie is a fucking mess, does this man ever look out for himself._

_Bullets, that will tear through anything in its path, concrete, flesh…_

There is something else that tears inside him. He shrugs it off, and walks confidently to Valery.

_No more lying._

_Five years._

“You have your notes?”

“Yes.”

“Khomyuk is arrested last night.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it--?”

He sees the look of pure worry in Valery’s face, the first emotion he can see on the scientist’s face other than tiredness, resignation, or anger, ever since he set foot in Chernobyl.

It triggered a wildfire inside him, _again._

He can’t help but snap. A little bit. “Of course it was. I’m working on it.”

“Boris, I can’t--”

_I’ve had enough of this!_

“I'm working on it. What else do you want from me?”

_Say it! I will get you anything. Even her. If that is what it takes to remove that worry in your face._

“Fix your tie, for god's sake.”

He has no idea where those thoughts came from.

***

“Lastly, Professor Legasov and I have been vigilant to protect the security interests of the State. Since the unfortunate release of information directly following the accident, we believe there has been no further lapse. Comrade Charkov, we hope we have lived up to the highest standards of the KGB.”

He stared full face to Charkov. And put his hand behind Valery’s chair.

_Back off, Charkov._

“You have.”

“Thank you. Professor Legasov will now speak about the work that remains.”

***

It was too late to grasp Valery’s arm because he has now Charkov’s attention.

“My associate was arrested last night.”

_Associate._

“Oh?”

“I mean no disrespect, but I was wondering if you could tell me why.”

“I'm sorry. I don't know who you're talking about.”

“She was arrested by the KGB.”

Silence.

“You are First Deputy Chairman of the KGB.”

“I am! That's why I don't have to bother with arresting people anymore.”

“But you are bothering to have your people follow me.”

Boris thinks he is going to have an aneurysm right there, radiation be damned.

“Professor, the Deputy Chairman is a busy--”

“No, no, it's perfectly understandable. Comrade, I know you've heard the stories about us. When I hear them, even I am shocked. But we're not what people say. Yes, people are following you. People are following those people. And you see them? They follow me. The KGB is a circle of accountability. Nothing more.”

“You know the job we're doing. Do you really not trust us?”

“Of course I do! But you know the old Russian proverb: "Trust, but verify." And the Americans think Ronald Reagan came up with that! Can you imagine? It was very nice speaking with you.”

“I need her.”

Boris closed his eyes. _Done._

“So you will be accountable for her?”

Boris held his breath. _Don’t._

But Valery nodded.

_Idiot._

“Then it’s done.”

“Her name is--”

“I know who she is. Good day, professor.”

Valery slowly turned to him.

Boris can only look at Valery, afford a shrug.

“No, that went surprisingly well. You came off like a naive idiot. Naive idiots aren't a threat.”

He may have used the wrong tone. 

***

Boris stared at the light streaming inside the trailer.

It is too early for a drink, but he desperately needs one.

The thoughts he is having since that day at Moscow never left him. Despite the numerous things he is doing, the worm of idea remained in his head, and whenever he is left without something to write, something to do, someone to shout orders at, the idea comes fully inside his head, latching on, like the radiation slowly spreading and _killing him_ inside.

Boris pinched his nose. 

_Not today._

He remembers the pure worry Valery had when he told him that Khomyuk was arrested by the KGB.

He felt a vein throb inside his forehead.

It’s too early to have a drink, yet, Boris filled a glass, and gulped down three shots at a sequence. 

He was rather hoping the burn of the vodka would splash him with the common sense he desperately needs, but the idea still remained.

_It is all Valery Legasov’s fault._

A knock on his door, then a soldier came in. “Professor Legasov is already outside.”

Boris wished he could say to Valery to fuck off, and leave him alone to deal with his tumultuous thoughts, but there is work to be done.

No time for _this_ . _But._

_Five years._

“Let him in.”

***

“Moon rovers.”

It’s a wonder that Tarakanov’s eyebrow still hasn’t reached his hairline. Boris capped down the urge to laugh hysterically.

“Lunokhod STR-1's. They're light, and if we line them with lead, they can withstand the radiation.”

“We couldn't put a man on the moon, at least we can keep a man off a roof.”

“That is the most important thing, General. Under no circumstances can men go up there. Robots only.”

Of course, the real problems start at Masha.

“Even the lunar rovers won't work on Masha. That amount of gamma radiation penetrates everything. The particles literally shred the circuits in microchips apart. If it's more complicated than a light switch, Masha will destroy it.”

“I think it's fair to say this piece of roof is the most dangerous place on the planet.”

“So... what do we do?”

“That's what we were going to ask you.”

***

Boris looked unfazed at the blinking screen in front of them. He resisted the urge to bite into his fist. _This has got to work._

“Tell me when we can start moving it.”

Boris stared closer.

“To think that's what they put on the moon…”

“Well, not that one.”

He looked at Valery. _Really?_

“I know NOT that one.”

Valery only shrugs a shoulder.

It took some time, and a few small amounts of desperation in Boris, and the rover finally responded to the control’s movements.

Boris makes a fist in the air. He soon saw an image that will now be imprinted in his head.

Something to treasure. _Beautiful._

“Valery, what’s that? A smile?”

The scientist only ducked his head and _is that a blush?_

Boris laughed. A full one, and he cannot help himself but grab into both of the scientist’s cheeks and pull him into a hug.

Valery in his arms felt like drinking water after wandering in a hot, humid desert for so long. It felt like, _coming home._

***

He should have learned the lesson by now.

Nothing is easy here at Chernobyl.

Now, the smile of one Valery Legasov will only haunt Boris Shcherbina until his five years are up.

“It's dead.”

***

He couldn’t care less if Gorbachev will fire him due to insubordination, or the KGB killing him for being a traitor to the State, but they all know him and who he is. They all know what happens when Boris Shcherbina didn’t get what he wants.

“GOOD! GOOD, I WANT THEM TO HEAR! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING? THE MEN WE'RE BURNING? BURNING!!!”

_All of them! They are not fucking helping them here at all!_

“YOU THINK I CARE? I'M A DEAD MAN! TELL RYZHKOV! TELL LIGACHEV! TELL GORBACHEV! TELL THEM! TELL--”

He destroys the phone until it becomes an unrecognizable heap.

Just like how his hope has been destroyed when Joker died on the roof of Masha, and Valery’s face fell.

***

“The official position of the State is that a global nuclear catastrophe is not possible in the Soviet Union. They told the international community the highest detected level of radiation was 2,000 roentgen. They gave the propaganda number to the Germans. The robot was never going to work.”

_What am I even trying to prove?_

Boris looked at the soldier standing nearby. Valery and Tarakanov with dejected faces. 

_Five years._

“We need a new phone.”

***

“Even if, you're still talking about boiling metal in a helicopter-- and it's lead, Boris. It'll weigh a ton…”

Boris resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He is still a general. _Alright, I am a fucking idiot._

“What if we shoot the graphite into the hole?”

Boris glass was midway to his face. _Excuse me, what the fuck?_

“We have heavy caliber bullets-- exploding bullets, so they won't just ricochet... they push…”

“You want to shoot exploding bullets at an exposed nuclear reactor?”

“Well--”

_Now you know how we feel. How I am feeling. Hopeless. No fucking idea how to proceed._

He doesn’t want Valery to take the fall again. But he is the one who always holds the answers. It is both frustrating and amazing at the same time.

“We use biorobots. Men.”

Sometimes, he thinks, maybe he just wanted to protect Valery from all of this. 

To just run away. Far from here. Far from the things he is supposed to be doing. Far from the politics of it all. Far from judging eyes.

Far away, from his own volatile, and now uncontrollable emotions.

***

They were talking, quietly, him first convincing Valery to get some rest, but then, no surprise, the man refused, saying he hasn’t been sleeping properly since coming here.

Who would even be able to sleep well after all of these? Boris sometimes just works himself up to exhaustion or drinks himself to oblivion so that he can achieve that thing called sleeping.

But even in his respite, there is no peace. Only more nightmares.

He stared at Valery’s eyes. The bags underneath it just keeps getting more prominent. And some nights, when sleep eludes him, he takes a walk around the hotel, and on and more instances does he find himself standing at the door of the scientist’s room. He never dared to knock or enter.

He doesn’t know why.

Afraid that if he crossed the threshold, _it will all come crashing down._

He is not ready to face it. His head is suggesting thoughts or words for it. He just keeps ignoring it.

“How come I didn’t meet you sooner, before all of this, Chernobyl?”

He has no idea where that came from. 

But he felt like he needed to ask him. Maybe, the answer will give him a semblance of comfort.

“You should spend some time at Kurchatov. Some people say I practically live there. People like me never leave.”

He is now imagining Valery inside the Institute, giving instructions to his peers, explaining the art of nuclear physics to younger students, him doing experiments of his own. He smiled.

“Career Party Men have zero reasons to go spend time at academic institutions. Unless it’s to go and be all comfortable with scientists who are doing projects for the Central Committee, and make sure these scientists stay happy by providing them the budget they need. I admit I haven’t visited Kurchatov often. Mainly because it hasn’t really came up during my years in this job.”

They were so close. Boris has no idea how they came to where they are now.

_Too late. There are so many things too late to turn away from now. We are in this foxhole together._

“Have you ever done something that isn’t part of the job, Boris? Something just for yourself.” 

He wonders if he can do that _same thing, now._

“Yes. And it was a long time ago.” He tried to keep his emotions in check.

“Do you regret it?”

“Why would I? We all need to comfort ourselves every once and a while. We only live once.” He smiled. “And now that life is cut short.”

“Maybe we were meant to meet due to this. Maybe our paths wouldn’t have crossed if this didn’t happen.”

“Sounds tragic, if you ask me, Valera.”

_A tragic love story._

Boris stopped short.

Valery stood up, intent on leaving. But Boris’ feet seem to have a mind of its own, because now he is standing face to face to an _enigma. An enigma he wants to unscramble, to explore, to understand._

_Please, give me time to crack the code that is Valery Legasov._

Valery’s eyes were shining with some unspeakable emotions. Or Boris was just afraid to name it out loud.

They were staring at each other’s eyes, steel and crystal blues. Suddenly, Boris felt Valery’s warm hand upon his cheek.

“ _Borja.”_

_What more do you want from me?_

Boris took a sharp breath, but the roughness of his uniform and the cold air entering the tent bought him back to where he is.

_No._

_Impossible._

He swallowed, stepped out of the space between him and Valery, muttered an excuse, and walked away, never daring to look back.

Because if he did, he knows for all certainty, he will never walk away from him ever again.

_I never learned how to say no to him._

_Always contradicting him. But never a straightforward “no”._

***

He can always pretend that nothing happened that night. Valery was kind enough not to mention it or maintained his distance.

They managed to present a comfortable camaraderie in front of Tarakanov, Pikalov, and the other soldiers in the area.

Their touches are limited to friendly ones. Boris is keen on maintaining his distance, because, who knows, when will his control slip. And when it does, he thinks he will never find the courage to stop.

There are so many things at risk. His position. Valery’s job and reputation. Chernobyl. _Valery himself._

Boris would rather cut his own hand than be the reason Valery Legasov will be submerged to ashes due to his own follies and lack of self-control.

But there are nights where it wasn’t _enough._ And in those nights, he always finds himself in the same place.

In front of the closed door of Valery’s room.

***

Chernobyl is still a live bomb despite the fact that the reactor already exploded.

Or maybe, Boris was looking at the wrong live bomb in the first place.

Boris felt weak, tired, and sick. He soon realizes that the disintegration is starting. Radiation is finally doing its work inside of him.

It will only be a matter of time. He turned to look at Valery, who is nervously pacing around. If he is hiding how the radiation affects him, then he is doing a damn good job of it.

Khomyuk finally arrives, mid-stopping Valery from his thoughts.

“I'm sorry for all this. But we needed to speak to you without…”

“They're putting Dyatlov on trial. And Bryukhanov. And Fomin. We're going to be called for expert testimony. All three of us. But before that happens--”

“The Central Committee is sending Legasov to Vienna. It's the headquarters of the International--”

“Atomic Energy Agency, I know what's in Vienna-- What are they asking you to do?”

“Tell the world what happened.”

Boris closed his eyes.

He knows all too well what happens when the truth doesn’t go in line with what the State wants to propose. 

“Well then, you should know what happened. I've constructed a timeline. Minute by minute. Second by second in some places. Every decision. Every button press. Every turn of a switch.”

“And are they guilty?”

Khomyuk only spared him one glance. Then focused only on Valery.

Suddenly, Boris felt as if he was back in that spacious hotel room, maps laid out in front of him, two scientists furiously pointing at it and discussing, him at a loss on what is going on.

A distinct feeling that he does not belong here.

“Yes, of gross incompetence, violation of safety regulations, recklessness beyond belief... but the explosion? I'm not sure.”

“What do you mean you're not sure?”

Of course, Valery Legasov holds all the answers.

***

“Imagine there's a fire in a building. You turn on a hose, but instead of water coming out, it sprays petrol instead.”

“Then why in god's name did they push that button?”

“They didn't know.”

“Volkov warned the Kremlin ten years ago. But there must be no doubt about the supremacy of the Soviet nuclear industry.”

_No._

“The KGB classified it as a state secret.”

“When I saw the reactor blown open, I still didn't think it could be this flaw in AZ-5... because the flaw will not lead to an explosion unless the operators have first willfully pushed the reactor to the edge of disaster.”

“So it is their fault.”

“Yes.”

“But not only their fault.”

“No.”

“And is that what you're going to say? In Vienna? Valery, you have to tell the truth. All of it.”

Boris felt a surge of anger, resentment, and the deepest emotion and desire to protect Valery.

_If only I could take him far away…_

“You can’t possibly be that naive.”

Khomyuk does not stand down. In a different world, at a different time and circumstances, if they had met properly, he may have admired her, maybe even _loved her_.

But Valery Legasov came first.

And then there’s Chernobyl.

He wonders if Valery loves her. But then he remembers the phantom feeling of his hand on his cheek, his ocean blue eyes pleading at him for something.

Something he does not understand.

Until now, when faced with the reality of losing him.

“There are 16 RBMK reactors running right now in the Soviet Union. We have to fix them, and the only way to make that happen is to go public. In Vienna, in the West, and force the Central Committee to take action.”

“What you are proposing is that Legasov humiliate a nation that is obsessed with not being humiliated.”

He turns to Valery, taming down the rising desperation inside him.

“We can make a deal with the KGB. You leave this information out in Vienna, and they quietly allow us to fix the remaining reactors.”

“A deal. With the KGB. And I'm naive…”

_Please, just for this one time, listen to me, Valera._

“Valery, they will go after your friends, your family--”

“You have a chance to talk to the world, Valery. If that chance was mine--”

_Goddamnit Khomyuk._

“But it isn't, is it. I have known braver souls than you, Khomyuk. Men who had their moment and did nothing, because when it is your life and the lives of everyone you love, your moral conviction doesn't mean a damn thing. It leaves you. And all you want in that moment is not to be shot.”

He remembers many things, but tried to forget it. Men falling down because they believed they were fighting for the State. Men defending their families from an invisible threat. Agents trailing him day after day. Men in suits questioning him and _her_ loyalty to the Party.

_Long reddish hair. Sky blue eyes. Hopeful smile. A brilliant mind. Slowly dying beside him._

_Her last words to him._

Khomyuk spared no soul.

“Do you know the name Vasily Ignatenko?”

***

It has been a long time since he saw a mind that _radiant, always moving, full of hope and idealism, knowledge, and only desires the good of others._

_The last time he met a mind like that, she was taken from him as fast as the moment he met her._

Now faced with almost the same thing as that, albeit different and unique in his own _Valera_ way, Boris doesn’t want to lose it.

_Not again._

“Borja.”

He stepped closer to him. _I will not lose you. Not again. Not this time. When I finally have the chance to make it right._

“I know I cannot stop you when your mind is already set, Valera. One of the things I should've known better about you. Our working relationship would have been much easier at the start if I figured out that one about you.”

“Honestly, Borja, I don’t know what to do.”

He looked into his eyes.

Boris took a sharp intake of breath.

_‘Don’t be afraid, Borja. Don’t be afraid to be in love again.’_

He finally understands. Why he is so desperate to protect this man, why he is so desperate to have his approval, his attention, his smiles, his touches, _all of him._

He now finally understands why he is so desperate to fix Chernobyl.

_For him. For us. For what we could become._

“You’ll do what must be done, Valera. Think about it for as long as you need to. No matter what happens, I am here with you. I will not let you out alone. We are in this together.”

He enveloped Valery in his arms. _Not letting go._

He tried his best to calm him, the sounds in the room nothing but his soft reassurances, the sharp breaths from Valery, slowly fading away.

“Shhh. Valera, I am here. I am not leaving you.”

_Not again._

_Five years._

He pressed a feather-light kiss to reddish-brown hair.

_‘Don’t be afraid to be in love again.’_

Valery froze in his arms.

He looked, and cupped Valery’s face in his gloved hands. _Please tell me I am doing this right, Valera._

“Tell me what I can do, Valera.”

“Did you, just?”

Boris felt his heart shattering. _It’s my fault. Why did I walk away that night?_

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Why did you do that? You pulled away from me the last time I initiated contact. I never did it again out of fear.”

“You were never afraid, Valera. What makes you afraid now?”

“Because you are a career Party man, for god sakes! You work for the government. We all know what the State decrees for men who falls prey to _forbidden follies._ And I can’t bear to lose what I managed to build with you, Borja, your friendship, your companionship. I can’t lose that in feelings that are not proper and I--”

_Enough, Valera. We don’t have much time._

He put a finger to cease his ramblings.

“Who cares about what is right or proper. I know what I want, Valera. And I always make sure I get what I want, you should know that about me by now. We are dying anyway, we need all the time we can get.”

He let the floodgates open now. He finally let the emotions shine through.

_No more hiding._

Valery stepped out of his arms.

And walked out, not even sparing him a glance.

Boris felt cold, lost, _alone._

As alone as that day, when she was taken away from him.

Five years ago.

_It’s all my fault._

***

He can only nod solemnly at Gorbachev when he instructed that he accompany Valery to Vienna.

It could be both a blessing, or a curse in disguise.

***

Boris was quietly fuming and wanted nothing but to strangle the life out of Charkov, when he saw two suited men joining their delegation. He gave the two men an acidic look, then turned back to Valery.

The man was nervous, but hiding it by looking out the plane window.

He resisted the urge to put his hand atop shaking ones.

***

When they arrived in Vienna, they didn’t have much time for themselves. They were soon ambushed by both local and international press, interested on a tidbit of what Valery Legasov would say at IAEA. Boris tried his best to shield Valery away from them, as the scientist is easily overwhelmed with the sudden attention he is getting.

In the few minutes left before Valery is up to speak his piece about Chernobyl, Boris gave his shoulder a squeeze, and walked inside.

_I trust you, Valera._

“Valery Legasov, chief scientist of the Chernobyl commission.”

***

The sound of thunderous applause was lost on Boris. He can’t stand, even if he wanted to, because these people, all of them, are clapping for a _trimmed_ version of the whole truth Valery was willing to offer to the world.

Valery’s eyes finally found his, amidst the crowd and the clapping.

Boris can only look solemnly at him, and tell with his eyes alone. 

_I am here. You are not alone._

***

He put the phone down, finally managing to convince Gorbachev why they cannot return to Moscow soon after the conclusion of the conference.

He looked at the clock, then made his way to the door.

A glance at the hallway. Empty. He crossed the threshold, and took a breath.

He doesn't know what spurs him into action now, but he is overcome with the immediate desire to correct his errors. Boris Shcherbina does not want dwelling with his errors for far too long. If there is a way to fix it, he will do it.

_We are running out of time._

_I am running out of time._

He knocked. 

***

“Didn’t they notice you coming in?”

“They were scheduled for a brief with Charkov right now. I do have an idea of their workings. Besides, they all know I am inside my hotel room right now, either engaged in a screaming match with Gorbachev or drinking myself to sleep.”

Valery drank straight from his glass, turned to the window, facing away from him.

Boris tamed the hurt rising inside him.

“Are you avoiding me, Valera?”

“No.”

The answer was immediate. Boris raised an eyebrow.

_He was never good at lying._

“It doesn’t suit you, Valera. The lying.”

“Yet I did today, didn’t you see it? In front of the whole IAEA.”

He suppressed a wince. Then he walked to where Valery is, drawing the curtains. Both of their faces are now reflected in the glass. He can see how Valery is trying hard to avoid his eyes.

“I never really know myself as a man of patience.”

“I may never understand how I got here, but there is one thing I know.”

Valery turned, his eyes refusing to meet his, fixed at an indeterminate point in his half undone tie.

“I am a dying man, Valera. And life is full of twists and unexpected surprises. But there is one unexpected surprise I am not entirely averse to.”

“Don’t, Boris.”

He reached out and held Valery’s left hand.

“Why not?” _soft._

“It is, _wrong._ I am supposed to suffer in all of these alone.”

He removed the glass from his hands, and slowly, nudged his chin upwards. Their eyes finally met, and both of them felt as if the air was sucked out of the room.

Nothing else matters, Vienna, Chernobyl, Gorbachev, the KGB, Charkov, nothing. It all came crashing down, it’s just the two of them.

“Forgive me, but isn’t this whole _thing_ supposed to be much better when not done alone?”

“I don’t understand all of _these,_ Valera. But I want to, and I think I can fully understand it if you are with me. Who needs the right or wrong, you of all people never cared for protocol, anyway. One thing striking about you. I only managed to understand things when you are there with me to explain it.”

_For once, let me be the one to fix this, Valera._

Lips soon met another. 

It was uncoordinated, but if there is one thing similar about them, they are both determined and fast learners. It went from slightly awkward to _beautiful and breathless and glorious._

He encircled Valery’s waist, and pulled him closer, the evidence of how much they both wanted this for so long making itself known.

He turned a harsh whisper against Valery’s lips. “Tell me how to do this, _Valera.”_

His hands moved of its own accord. He slowly takes off Valery’s glasses, his eyes never leaving his.

_I am all yours._

_And you are mine._

Valery smiled, that sweet, wonderful smile, reserved only for him, and him alone. 

“We’ll figure it out, _together.”_

***

It was a world away experience, first filled with fumblings and soft laughs, but as soon as his hands made contact with the warm skin under Valery’s suit, nothing else mattered, but _this._

He felt Valery clutching into him for dear life, his lips plastered to his ear. _Don’t hold back for me, Valera. I want to hear you._

It seems Valery can read his mind, or he is just as immersed as he is in this, as he let out all the soft moans he can muster, those sounds sending shivers to his spine. He grunts and pushes inside, and when he feels the tightness closing on him, he is lost, and no one can bring him back. He pushed, the friction, the heat, the sensations all giving him the ecstasy and feelings he never felt for so long, only with Valery now, does he felt all of these. His hand clasped with Valery served somewhat as some kind of anchor, and Boris’ thoughts are nothing but _you feel so good, Valera, oh god, so good._

When the edge finally came, both of them fell, Valery holding his hand all the way, and spent the next minutes talking about nothing, and everything at all. 

***

He can see Valery’s eyes nearly shut, his lashes fluttering at his freckled and scarred face, when he finally found the courage to voice out that one thing he never thought would come to him, yet he wanted for so desperately.

_I want you so much, Valera. And I am willing to do anything for you._

_Anything._

“I want you inside me, _Valera.”_

Valery’s shock morphed into desire, and some deep, unnamed emotion, in a span of few seconds.

***

Boris swallowed each of Valery’s moans with his mouth, his warm hands imprinting marks on his broad shoulders. He let his hands wander, lower, until he found what he is looking for. Valery broke their lip contact and moaned loudly, his breath a warm caress on his face.

Valery felt so good inside of him, he doesn't want to get rid of the feeling, he tried his best to imprint this moment in the recesses of his mind. _I don’t want to forget, oh Valera, oh god._

When the release came, they held each other, an anchor, in a haze no one wants to wake up from. Boris tried to clean them up, and soon enough, they both fell asleep in a tangle of arms and limbs, Valery’s warm breaths ghosting his neck.

He kissed Valery in the forehead, summoning all those emotions he didn’t think he would be able to feel again. He closed his eyes, four words on repeat inside his head.

_I love you, Valera._

***

Whatever they had at Vienna, is not a one-time affair. No suspicions arose, and they were able to return to Moscow in one piece.

“Would you like a drink upstairs?”

_With me?_

_Words left unsaid._

Boris can never say no to Valery. And yet, he still cannot say the words to him, because, despite what happened, despite all of it, they have a lot ot things to still address to.

But Boris wanted him to know, so he told it in the next best way he can.

Boris is a man of action. If he cannot tell it you, he will tell it with actions and results alone.

He kissed Valery against his apartment door, telling him all those words he cannot say.

The ticking of the clock seemed louder this time.

***

He remembers the first day he met _her._ She is full of life, ideas, and kindness. He thinks, no, she will never love me, _I will only ruin her._ But fate is a crazy and fickle thing, and soon enough, both of them fell into each other’s axis.

She is kind of rebellious, always asking questions, never afraid what those questions may mean or what they can bring to her. He gave up trying to tame her down, _her bravery and brilliant mind are what made him fall in love with her in the first place._

KGB has her on its eyes for such a long time, due to being the wife of a career Party man, and also due to her curious nature. 

Who would’ve thought that despite her energy, her strength, her beauty, she would be taken from him by the one thing that was supposed to give them both joy?

He loved her so _much,_ but she also has her secrets. Cancer was one of them.

When their daughter came to them, her sickness finally got the last say, and the only thing he can do is to hold her hand, her asking him to take care of their daughter, never give up on his dream that _one day, be the man who mattered_ , and continue to live.

He will never forget the final words she said to him, because, finally, those words resonated to him, as he looks at the face of one Valery Legasov, quietly engaged in small conversation with his daughter and his grandson.

_‘Don’t be afraid, Borja. Don’t be afraid to be in love again.’_

_Long reddish hair, sky blue eyes._

So when Valery finally stood up to leave, them alone again, he told him. Everything. All of if starting in one sentence,

“I am widowed.”

He pressed a kiss to Valery’s forehead. Whispered her story to him, Valery holding him through it all.

She and him are different yet similar in some ways. 

Both of them are also slowly being taken away from him.

How poetic, that the same thing that killed her, is also going to do the same to him. And to Valery.

They all have their secrets. Boris has many, but maybe one of those is the fact that he loves Valery Legasov.

***

The suit is now loose on him. He glanced at the calendar on his table.

_Three years._

***

Valery taught him everything he knows, he has no idea how a nuclear reactor works when Chernobyl happened but now, _everything has changed._

_Since Valery came._

“To test this theory, the reactor is placed in a reduced power mode-- 700 megawatts-- to simulate a blackout condition. Then-- the turbines are shut off, and as they slowly spin down, their electrical output is measured to see if it is sufficient to power the pumps. The science is strong-- but a test is only as good as the men carrying it out. The first time they tried, they failed. The second time they tried, they failed. The third time they tried, they failed. The fourth time they tried-- was on April 26th, 1986.”

He looked at Valery. Hoping it was enough.

***

“But you don't need to be a nuclear scientist to understand what happened at Chernobyl. You only need to know this: there are essentially two things that happen inside a nuclear reactor.”

Boris felt a wave of nausea. 

_It’s time._

***

He can only sigh exasperatedly when Valery dropped one of the placards on the floor, and slightly dared the jury or anyone, to make a comment out of it. 

No one did. Valery only smiled, albeit awkwardly, then went on, doing what he does best.

***

“If you weren't in the room, then where were you?”

“The toilet.”

Boris coughed, finally not being able to hold it all inside. Khomyuk glancing at him for a second, a flicker of _is that worry_ in her eyes.

“The toilet. Comrade Khomyuk interviewed everyone who was in the control room that night. They all told the same story. "I knew what Dyatlov ordered was wrong, but if I didn't do what he said, I would be fired." Leonid Toptunov, one day before he died. No, Comrade Dyatlov, you were in the room. You ordered them to raise the power. This is a fact.”

He stood up, the coughing overtaking his lungs. He immediately went towards the exit, because he doesn’t want others to see that _Chernobyl finally took its toll on him._

“Court is now in recess. Thirty minutes.”

The door shut behind him.

***

Boris appear defeated, he only raised his head when he saw Valery approaching. He sat beside him. Boris laments the distance, but they really don’t have much of a choice do they.

“Do you know anything about this town? Chernobyl?”

“Not really, no.”

“It was mostly Jews and Poles. The Jews were killed in pogroms, Stalin forced out the Poles, then the Nazis came and murdered whoever was left. But after the war, people came here to live anyway. They knew the ground beneath their feet was soaked in blood, but they didn't care. Dead Jews, dead Poles, but not them. No one ever thinks it will happen to them. But here we are.”

He raises his blood-stained handkerchief. Shrugs.

“How much time?”

“They're calling it a "long illness." That doesn't seem very long to me. I know-- you told me. I believed you. At first. But-- time passed, and I didn't think it would happen to me. I wasted it. I wasted it all. For nothing.”

Boris felt a self-deprecating laugh inside him. _Until now, I am still nothing. Just a cog in the big machine the Party is._

_We’ll be dead in five years!_

_Three years, Valera. I only got three years._

“For nothing?”

“Do you remember the morning I first called you? Do you remember how unconcerned I was? I don't believe much that comes out of the Kremlin, but when they told me they were putting me in charge of the cleanup, and they said it wasn't serious, I believed them. Do you know why?”

It is a hard truth to swallow but Chernobyl taught him a lot of things. Not all bitter pills should be thrown away. Sometimes, you really need to swallow it.

“Because they put you in charge.”

“I am an inconsequential man, Valera. That's all I've ever been. I hoped one day that I would matter. But I didn't. I just stood next to people who did.”

_Didn’t matter._

He gave Valery a pat on the back. _You were the one who truly mattered._

What came out of Valery, is something he is both angry, and shocked to hear.

“There are other scientists like me. Any one of them could have done what I did. But you-- Everything we asked for, everything we needed. Men. Material. Lunar rovers? Who else could have done these things? They heard me, but they listened to you. Of all the ministers and all the deputies-- the entire congregation of obedient fools-- they mistakenly sent us the one good man.”

_The audacity!_

Before he can interrupt Valery, he finally said the final piece of words, that he will ever get to say to him, Boris just didn’t know at that time.

“For god's sake, Boris-- you were the one who mattered the most.”

If only he knew, if only, he would have said something better than “It is beautiful.”

He should’ve said it while looking at Valery. He should have.

***

“I know what you are, Valery Alexeyevich. You're a liar. You're a liar and a coward.”

He feels a sense of hatred towards Dyatlov, but it disappeared when Valery’s eyes met his, seeking for help.

“We've heard enough for today. The defendants will be remanded to custody. Court will--”

“I haven’t finished. I have more evidence to give.”

“It is not necessary. Your testimony is concluded. Your honor.”

_No._

“Court is now adjourned. We will resume tomorrow with--”

“Let him finish!”

He stood up, the final fight for him and Valery. He will not be backing down.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

“Let him finish.”

_If we go down, we go down together._

When their eyes met, he tried to tell it to him.

He can only hope he got it.

_I love you. And I am doing this for you._

Then Valery faced the jury. 

_For us._

_For Chernobyl._

_For the truth._

***

“The chain of disaster is now complete.”

***

“When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we cannot even remember it's there. But it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, the debt is paid.”

“That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies.”

_Where do we go, when it’s all over?_

***

He and Khomyuk stood, watching Valery being escorted away from them. Away from him.

Their final goodbye is through a dirty car window, not even a second long.

Boris stood, and watched the car disappear on the road ahead, until tears blurred his vision.

_It’s over._

He turned to Khomyuk, all the fight drained away from him.

_I didn’t get to say it._

“Charkov will question you, for sure. And he will put you under constant surveillance. I assume you know what you will be doing?”

The woman looked at him.

“Are you angry at me?”

The question caught him off guard, and he never managed to utter a response, as he was then led by a KGB agent, on to meet his fate.

Who knows, if he is getting shot, then maybe the pain will stop.

***

“What is your role in Legasov’s testimony today?”

“Answer mine first, Comrade Charkov. What will happen to Legasov?”

“This is not a pleasantry talk, comrade. This is an interrogation. Answer my question.”

“Tell me first where are you taking him. Then I will answer your question.”

He can finally strangle Charkov if he dared to do it. Maybe he should, maybe if he did kill the deputy chairman of the KGB, they will kill him too.

At least the pain will _stop._

“Legasov will be fine, physically speaking. Now, answer me, Comrade Shcherbina.”

_Finally. Out of your shell._

“You are punishing him.”

“Yes.”

“For what? Telling the truth? All of us are alive right now, not scuttering away due to nuclear accident going out of hand because of him! And this is how you repay him?! Is this how the system works, punishing men for telling the truth which could save millions of lives?!”

“You of all people should know how the system works, _Boris._ You could’ve told him this, yet, he chose to tell the truth and play a hero. Who was he kidding, he is one of us, he always has been. He is nothing but a man who forgot who he is. I wonder, if you ever told him the repercussions of his testimony today, or you left him on his own devices. I told you, Boris. _Keep your pet on a leash.”_

“How dare you!”

Charkov is on the verge of impatience. “You will not tell me what is your role with Legasov’s testimony today? Fine. Tell me, what is the nature of your relationship with him?”

Boris felt the air knocked out of him, as if Charkov punched him square in the face. Suddenly, the tears came. He tried to hold it all in.

“What do you mean?”

“What is the nature of your relationship with Valery Legasov?”

_Don’t._

“Are you weeping for today’s state of affairs, comrade? Or are you weeping for him?”

“What have you done with him?”

“The just punishment for his betrayal to the State. He will be erased.”

_NOT HIM._

“Legasov will be erased. No one will remember him. He will not talk to anyone ever again, and that includes you. Everything he worked for, for Chernobyl, will be credited to other people, lesser than him. His legacy will be someone’s else’s. His name will never be uttered in any place in Soviet Russia again. Whatever he said today, will not be disseminated to the press. The man Valery Legasov will cease to exist starting this day.”

“HOW DARE YOU DO THIS!”

Charkov remains unfazed. Then, realization dawned on his eyes. Yet he kept himself in control.

“What is the nature of your relationship with Legasov?”

Boris felt lost, defeated, confused.

“He’s, he’s just a man who I worked for. He’s the one who fixed Chernobyl.”

The tears came falling. He is powerless to stop it, because now, the reality of what is going to happen to him, to Valery, to _them,_ came falling down. 

“What role did you play in Legasov’s testimony today?”

“Nothing. I didn’t know what he would say. I did tell him what would happen if he did break against protocol, it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t--”

_It wasn’t enough. We weren’t enough._

_I am not enough._

_I failed to protect him._

“Get up, comrade. You still have work to do for the State. Or else you want to spend the remaining years of your life in conversion therapy.”

***

Boris felt sick. He wanted to be anywhere but here. He wanted to be back in his office, doing everything he can to finally see Valery Legasov. But they wanted him to be here, with Pikalov, Tarakanov, and countless others, awarded for their service during the clean-up.

_He should be here. With me._

He made his exit, without talking to either Pikalov or Tarakanov, but Gorbachev cornered him before he can escape.

“Deputy Chairman.”

“Comrade General Secretary.”

He tried his best to be polite. But he is on thin ice right now.

_I have to see him again. I have to tell him._

“Are you well? The doctors are doing what they are supposed to be doing, right?”

“Yes. They have been nothing but performing exemplary for my health. Please excuse me, General Secretary, I need to address some things regarding certain legalities with a new project on an energy development project in Minsk.”

The coughs didn’t slow him down. He learned to live with it.

***

“Why is Professor’s Legasov been scratched off the list?”

He needs to have a gun. So he can both shoot Charkov and Gorbachev in the head.

“Professor Legasov has committed acts of grave disrespect, bordering on treason, Comrade Shcherbina. Despite all his efforts and expertise that has fueled and prevented a much larger scale disaster at Chernobyl from happening again, he still delivered contradicting statements, put the State in a precarious position, and _clearly putting it as the one to blame for the tragedy_ . It’s outrageous, and you are also outrageous, comrade, for even trying to put him on the list, _for the third time._ ”

_If you think I am going to stop, think again._

***

“Give him a watch.”

_Fucking traitors. All of you._

***

He met with Tarakanov, before the general was set to leave for Afghanistan. He didn’t know if it was just a coincidence, or the man did seek him out.

“Congratulations on your new posting, General. The Party expects nothing but exemplary results from you and your squadron. Please, be careful.”

They shook hands. 

Suddenly, Tarakanov leaned closer to him, about to whisper something.

It looks like two men exchanging farewells and good jokes. 

“My deepest condolences for a lost comrade, Boris.”

Boris felt surprised, and then, the pain surging up again. It has nothing to do with acute radiation sickness.

“Smile after I say this, he will never stay dead, Boris. His legacy will soon rise, you know it. I know it. The whole KGB knows it. Continue to fight for him, Boris. Don’t let the death of your loved one be in vain.”

Boris smiled at him.

_Thank you._

_I will never stop, Valera._

***

Fate is a cruel thing. The ticking time bomb didn’t observe the time it was supposed to have.

Valery Legasov was dead. Charkov said it in monotone during the early morning briefing.

Boris stared at the wall in front of him. Clearly, he has no will to live anymore.

The pain was unimaginable, he drank later that night until he can’t feel it anymore, but _it is still there._ He drank some more, until he is reduced to a pitiful state, vomiting his insides on the toilet.

_Valera, oh god, Valera._

It happened, the second time around. But this time, it was more painful. 

Because he wasn’t there to hold his hand. He wasn’t there when he was suffering. He was all alone, he wasn’t there to wipe the tears from his eyes.

He wasn’t there to tell him that he was the man who mattered the most. Both in the whole mess Chernobyl is, and to him.

_It hurts so much, because he didn’t tell him that he loves him._

_Yes. Until now._

Boris Shcherbina loves a scientist, who turned crusader, a brilliant mind, full of ideas and kindness, now a dead man.

***

He was shocked when Khomyuk (' _Ulana’, she whispers furiously at him, ‘if you at least wanted to kill me or both of us are going to be sent to our death today, at least call me by my common name, it is kind of insane that you are mad at me and you didn’t even know my whole name.’)_ appeared in his doorstep, one evening.

“How did you?”

“I am not working alone.”

Boris allowed her inside his home.

***

He was given a tape by Ulana, he knows that the rest are montages made by Valery, post-trial, accounting everything that is needed to be known about Chernobyl. No more trimming, no more lies, only the truth in its pure and simple form.

Ulana left soon after, armed with confidence, determination, and a soft promise that she will do everything in her capacity to spread the tapes. He knows she will, there is no stopping that woman.

He glanced at the tape, a single one, and he saw the distinct handwriting on the deep blue paper.

Boris cried, for god knows how many times since he received the news of Valery’s death, when he saw what was written on the paper.

_To my rock._

***

He didn’t listen to the tape. Not on the same night he got it. He can’t.

***

He didn’t want to be stuck again at Gorbachev’s office. But life has rarely given him what he wants. Valery dying, the two of them separated, Boris never finding a way to see him even before his suicide _Valera, why_ , Valery not getting the recognition he deserves, was all proof of that.

“What do you expect, being away from Chernobyl will magically make my sickness go away? No. It does not work that way. I have only a few years left to live, Valery said so.”

The snark is one of the things that kept him going. Close enough.

“And you believed everything he said?”

“When did he lie?! Tell me when?!”

But Gorbachev will not stand down. _I hate him now more than ever._

“He did the State wrong! He accused us of being the true perpetrators of the Chernobyl disaster. Do you realize how that sounds like? He has gone against all principles, and turned against his own men and people. Whatever he did, all of it, he just flushed it all down the drain the moment he said that RBMK reactor cores explode due to lies! You are defending a traitor, Boris. What does that make you?”

_Someone who stands for the truth, unlike you._

“Think of all the things you will lose, Boris. All because you keep on defending a man who turned his back to his own people.”

“Valery did nothing of that sort! He has always stood with the people, because he always stood with the truth. All of you are just plain cowards for refusing to accept it!”

He slams a letter of resignation on the desk.

Gorbachev looked at him defiantly.

“I will not allow it.”

***

Ulana is doing her work. Now it is up to his part.

The tapes spread like wildfire. It burned everyone in the Kremlin, leaving nothing but ashes.

Boris fought using all his power and resources, and slowly, the name of the man he _loves_ became both a curse and a mantra. 

Valery Legasov managed to burn down all the lies and the people who continued to live with them. They all got burned. Except for Boris and Ulana.

***

The rain kept falling, on the day of Valery’s funeral. Ulana cried, finally showing her emotions, and Boris didn’t mock her for it. Because he is also crying. On the inside.

He held her hand, and together, they watched as the coffin was lowered into the earth, those pale blue flowers did not even come close to the shade of Valery’s eyes.

***

He looks at the tape again, hidden in the recesses of his desk.

He took it out, and found himself a tape player.

He felt tired. Yet, he pressed play.

***

“ _I remember that day you told me you will throw me out of the helicopter if I don’t tell you how a nuclear reactor works. And now, you know it so well, I think you can explain it even in your sleep.”_

***

_“When did you learn to tell the truth? I always believed it was within you all along. That you are not like them, well, not all of it. You are the one good man in the sea of people inside the Kremlin. You’ve always been.”_

***

_“Lunar rovers. I know you were just teasing when you said that those were the things they put up there in the moon, I just couldn’t help myself._

***

_“In the sea of all those people at IAEA, clapping at me for the lies I’ve told, the only thing that matters is that you were there.”_

***

_“I am always haunted by your kisses,” a soft movement, glass hitting the table. “Who would’ve thought you felt the same? I am always in the mindset that my feelings will never be reciprocated, I should have understood when you kissed me that night in Vienna, when we woke up, then back here in my apartment, I never changed the sheets, I know, kind of disgusting, but, I tried to keep any part of you that managed to remain here, alive. I wake up, expecting you to be at my side, but I am alone, oh I am always alone now. Even Sasha’s company is not enough, it used to be. But she is not you, Borja.”_

***

_“Everyday is torture. I know, with your stubborn nature, that you are finding your way for us to meet again. I am trying, but the KGB agent is close to being exasperated at me for even trying to devise a way to meet you. I can’t risk you getting hurt on my behalf. The last thing I wanted, that in the numerous blood that is now in my hands, is for yours to be in it.”_

***

_“Don’t blame yourself, Borja,” a soft intake of breath. “It was never your fault. These are all my choices. And I’ve got to live with those. Forgive me, for imposing this upon you. You already have done so much, and burdened with so many things, I am just adding up to that pile. But I know you are a strong person, you’ll live out your days, not even the radiation has the final say when it comes to you. You told me that you were never a man of patience, yet, you took your time, oh did you, Borja, you took your time to finally close the distance between us, but me? I was close to bursting to just jump over that distance and come for you. But, some may say it is all time wasted, but no, for me it is not wasted. Those were necessary, for us to build ourselves better, for us to figure it out clearly and completely, so that when we finally found the time, it is close to perfect as it can be.”_

_A soft laugh._

_“Never your fault, Borja. Remember that. You always did mutter from time to time that it was all my fault.”_

_Silence. Then a deep breath._

_“I treasure each moment I’ve had with you. You were everything to me. We may have met on such drastic and tragic circumstances, but, despite it all, it brought me to you. Did you love me? I never got to say those words to you, were you planning to say it? Maybe I should have told you back then on that bench, after saying that you were the one who mattered the most. But we cannot turn back time, but given the final chance to say it, then I will do so._

_I love you, Borja. My rock, my everything. I will always love you.”_

_Coughing._ Boris’s chest hurt.

_“I hope that I will be able to see you on the other side. Maybe in another life. Who knows? We are both stubborn fools.”_

The tape clicked.

Boris cried, and brokenly whispered the answer.

_“I love you too, Valera, so much, it hurts, now you are gone. I should’ve told you.”_ Boris laughs, amidst the tears.

_“You were the one who truly mattered. To me. To all of Chernobyl.”_ He swallowed. 

_“I am sorry, but you took something from me, back that day you met my eyes in the boardroom, and now, only you can bring it back to me.”_

Boris stared ahead. 

“ _I’ll never love again as I love you.”_

He can only pray that the wind will carry those words to him.

The clock kept ticking.

_Two years._

***

They all tell him the same thing.

Boris accepts. There are days he wishes that the process would just speed up. There are also days where he thinks he should just put a bullet in his head, but he would remember, that the fight is not yet over.

It will continue on until he is on his deathbed.

***

In the fourth and final time, Boris entered Valery Legasov’s name in the list.

He will not live to see the day that they finally give the award to the scientist.

***

“You loved him first.”

Did it matter? Boris hoped it would.

***

On his deathbed, his daughter at his side, he hopes that at least, in the short span he got post-Chernobyl, that he finally made a difference, if not for him, then for Valery.

He can only manage a weak smile and a light “I thought you were abroad for another conference” as Ulana walks inside his room. Her face is now evident with age, a gold band around her finger.

“I did told you, don’t die while I am away. You bull.”

Boris laughed, her daughter squeezing his left hand, Ulana on his right. Then, coughs came. 

“Well, you are here now, front seat and everything.”

Her eyes filled with tears. She enclosed his right hand between hers. “Boris.”

“No running away, Ulana. We all know it’s coming.”

He heard the soft crying of his daughter, as her tears fell to his left hand, the sniffling coming from Ulana. Brave woman, always keeping herself together.

“Who is the lucky man? Or should I say, unlucky.”

Ulana laughed, albeit the tears. “None of that.” She swallowed. “Please don’t make me bury both of you.”

Boris looked at him. 

“Forgive me, but it seems likely.”

_I am sorry, Ulana, my daughter._

He coughed again. Turned to his daughter, and pressed a quick kiss to her hand. He then closed his eyes.

_"How am I supposed to live without you?"_

He has been asking that question since that day Valery was led away from him and Ulana.

_Probably it wouldn't matter now,_ Boris then smiled, painfully. 

_I am a dying man anyway._

Ulana, and his daughter, can only stare in shock and sadness, as the man in front of them finally passes over the threshold.

The young woman cried, Ulana finally letting the tears fall. She squeezed Boris’ hand tighter.

Boris Shcherbina took his last breath, hoping he could find the man he loves on the other side.

***

A hand, scarred by numerous things, and wrinkled in time and tragedy, found his own, intent on never letting go. 

***

_“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others, they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems... But all these stars are silent. You- You alone will have stars as no one else has them."_

(c) The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

_fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say, that writing this fic, is one hell of an experience. I suffered mental breakdowns, cursed my laptop, shouted abuse at Google Docs, slammed by head numerous times in my geology textbook, crammed it together with reviewing for our licensure exam, ranted about it both on tumblr and twitter (though on twitter, it's more mild hehehehehehe my friends doesn't know I write fanfics now), and now, my second to the last work before bowing out of the spotlight. (why did I manage to think about a 'Your Name' Valoris AU again, wtf carl).
> 
> To all the people who've been here, from Pikalov's monologue, up to Boris' final eulogy, thank you so much for tuning in, reading, leaving kudos, and commenting! You are all nothing but great, kind, and amazing people, it's an honor and an experience to have created this story with all of you! 😁 💛
> 
> Thank you all for bearing with slow updates, with my nonsensical rants, heck, if you are reading this end note, I salute you, comrade. Y'all are best I'm. 😿
> 
> Regarding the fact that this is my second to the last work before bowing out, well, I'll tell you all about it when I finish my final work, cross fingers that I can cram it and finish it! huhuhu. 
> 
> I am both glad and surprised that this got so much attention, huhu, I am still shooketh. Again, thank you all for supporting this woman in her delusions of grandeur, hahaha. That weird feeling of utter relief when you finally wrapped up a project, hays. 
> 
> To all the people in the discord of hell, thank you for standing with me and listening to my half-baked rants. Thank you also for your words of wisdom and inspiration. You guys are the best! 💕  
> Special shoutout to @franzinera and @Chernoblyat for all of your kind words and encouragements. I am truly grateful. HSHS. 😭 
> 
> Please shout out abuse at me in the comments, or at tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> cocomoraine, signing off, for now. 
> 
> Paalam muna! 🌻


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